The Spaces Between the Steps – Continued

Several days after the previous blog entry was posted, my wife died. Although very sudden and unexpected, there was some inevitability about it as well. Naturally, I am grieving this loss and my plan to post something on the topic of “The Spaces Between The Steps” each month was shelved.

I did continue to work on the workshop and presented it over this past weekend.

It was clear I had written more than could be conceivably presented in a three-day, twelve hour workshop. I am returning to my plan and will continue posting these writings here. For those who have responded, thanks for your wonderful comments.

PART II – Step Three and Four

Coming into Step Three there should be something about the dichotomy of “Decision” vs. “Action” in this step and how confusing that is. I have always found confusion between the writings in the “Big Book” and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

In one place, it seems to be hinting at a jumping off place between decision and action (the Big Book, pg 64) in the “12 & 12” it uses the word “action” to describe this step (pg 34). Now is where some confusion begins and the need for some real clarity in this area. Some camps will adhere to the idea that Step Three is “just a decision,” like making a decision to mow the lawn or take a trip to visit relatives. Nothing happens with those “decisions” unless followed by an action. Is the action the Third Step Prayer (pg. 63) or is it the Fourth Step (a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Pg 64)?

The other group, those that adhere to 12 & 12 interpretation will see Step Three as the “action of a decision.” In other words, we take Step Three, ergo, that’s the action. Let’s take a look at this step a little more clearly. In previous places I have started to take a harder, more reasoned look at the information as presented in the 12 & 12.

In the very beginning paragraphs it is clear that ACTION is the key word. It refers to the first two steps as “reflection” and that they “did not require action; they required only acceptance.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 34) It goes on to say that like the remaining steps this step called for “affirmative action.”

That seems pretty definitive, but let’s take a look at how the Big Book tackles this same thing. Although not as direct, the Big Book also uses many allusions to actions to take not the least of which is the Third Step Prayer. But in this place there is also the scenario of the actor who wants to direct the show. There is also the talk about ego and self-centeredness and how these two things are core to the alcoholic’s problems. This is some of the transitional information used in the Big Book. Twice in Chapter Five it is stated that we are “at Step Three.” The first time is within the first few pages of  “How It Works” and second time is right before the Third Step Prayer. The starting section of this chapter is often read at meetings as a way of introducing people to the Twelve Steps where they originally appeared in print. The reading will generally end with the “three pertinent ideas.” The next words following that sequence read, “Being convinced–we were at Step Three” I think this represents the “decision” part of the story.

There is some very instructive and necessary parts of the book that follow. The concept of the “Actor” is right on the heels of this and must be in reference to the idea of self-will versus God’s will. This story needs to be told if the person reading the book will ever find the need to take the action that’s recommended.

By the time we get to this area, we need to be in a place of some conviction because what has been suggested in Step Three becomes very difficult to embrace fully. It has a few implications that mere humans may balk at. It is often believed that the actions such as inventory and making amends are what keep people away from recovery and while an argument could be made to support that, it’s probably the implications of the Third Step that provides the greatest obstacle for many.

Let’s investigate the wording, and therefore, interpretation of this step. It may be the most misunderstood step by those coming into recovery through 12-step intervention. It is not the first “God” reference per se and the use of that word is just one of its barriers.

If you’ve been in recovery for a while you may have had the experience of having to return to this step multiple times because of the phenomenon of taking back control or “taking it back” in more common parlance. This step is described in the Big Book as “the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.” Pg. 62 As has been pointed out in reference to this illustration, the keystone is essential to the arch. It is fundamental to the arch’s construction. So fundamental in fact that the arch could not exist without it.

I don’t know how many times I heard that very information and thought to myself, “an arch isn’t the only kind of doorway there is.” This is how the newly sober begin their interpretation of things. And because there doesn’t appear to be any real action needed here, the importance of the step as a way to lasting sobriety seems tentative.

In the 12 and 12, the importance of Step Three as a “keystone” is articulated in a different but just as impactful way.

“Then it is explained that other Steps of the AA program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial.” Pg. 40

This brings home the fact that Step Three, fully taken, is absolutely key to moving forward.

What the step has in terms of interpretation is further hindered by the introduction of the “G” word. The truth is, the full intention of the Step isn’t obtainable even as an understandable conception because of being stopped at this point. The mind is a funny thing. Whenever we hear something objectionable or that we don’t agree with we will tune out or completely ignore whatever comes next. We become focused on the “negative” information and become incapable of hearing information which either clarifies or expands upon what we may object to.

I think this happens with this step. I believe that’s what happened to me. The “G” word stopped me in my tracks and I was completely incapable of hearing anything to redirect my attention. I also believe that this phenomenon went on for several years and may have actually blocked my progress. I wasn’t capable of seeing the importance of this step as I moved through the other steps.

I have shared the absurd interpretations of this Step at other times, but I don’t think it was until a few years ago that I began to appreciate the full import of this step. What I know today and try to impart every chance I get is that you do not have to “know’ anything in order to do this step, That’s the fact for the first three steps. So often at meetings one will hear people struggling with how they get stopped at this step.

There are several ways to get stopped at this step. The first is by not “at once” moving on to the next step. What’s the delay? Most likely fear of the task at hand will delay most people — but I believe that absence of a full understanding of Step Three can also create a barrier. There may be many people in AA who go for years sometimes without completing a thorough Fourth and Fifth Step. This often means they are perched [William White refers to this as “precariously perched”] on the edge of Three waiting for some “miracle” to push them forward. Unfortunately, it’s often the lack of that miracle that pushes them off backward rather than forward.

When looking at the space between Three and Four we may be unaware of the “leap of faith” we are taking. The reason we become more transformed by this process when we do it continuously is because the presence of action with the absence of thinking creates the objective and eliminates the barrier.

The Steps accommodate change when there is no resistance to anything suggested. Step Three represents that first, major suggestion that requires a commitment (and faith) to doing, believing, thinking something different. The barrier to this presents when the individual is not ready to do, believe or, think something different and will literally put up a fight to maintain their own “status quo.”

There are a variety of names for this; in denial, resistant to change, unmotivated, precontemplative to name a few. A term used in the Big Book is most compelling, “convinced” the opposite of which is “unconvinced.”

[Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 12, pg. 30, pg. referred to earlier pg. 64, pg. 71, pg. 96, pg. 107, pg. 133, pg. 135 (see pg. 40)]

The word “convinced” is in the Big Book no less than a dozen times, and for an author who was loath to use the same word over and over, this word seems to convey a particular state for a person to become ready to change. There is a poster with an anonymous quote on it that states, “Mostly people change, not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat.” I’ve always believed that to be fairly accurate, but what the word convinced connotes is a more reasoned, rational process not one of sudden conversion.

The truth is, being convinced that things are bad or things need to change may not always be enough for someone to take action to change. The dichotomy of change is something not easily understood. I think sometimes we are drawn in to the thought that because it is a “common problem” there has to be a “common solution” and there no doubt is — but the paths to that solution are as varied and individual as the number of people seeking the solution.