Look what’s next.

It’s time to move forward. Like writing, waiting for the right time to do something will most likely not get it done. That’s why the steps are so profound. The knowing comes from doing and not contemplation of doing.

I’m embarrassed to say that I was sober 14 or 15 years before I finally heard or understood that my Fourth Step inventory was my Eighth Step list. I wish I’d known that before I did my Eighth Step. However, it’s instructive in these ways. The people on my list most likely have been harmed by me in one way or another, and I need to recognize that the harm was almost always generated through some character defect. Whether it be fear or dishonesty or impatience or intolerance, or self-centeredness, at some point in there, one of those defects of character or several of them combined came together to create a situation where I harmed another human being. Now I understand that my character defects, in general, don’t hurt me. My shortcomings of character harm others. My defects of character keep me out of a relationship with others. They mainly keep me out of healthy relationships with others. As a general rule, my character defects do not directly harm me. They poke or hurt other people almost without exception.

When I’m not diligent in my recovery daily and my alcoholism returns, as do my character defects, I start to hurt other people. Every time, no exceptions. And it’s because these defects have not been removed completely. They’ve only been set aside until I feel it’s necessary to use them again. Usually, when I am fearful.

Step Seven is spiritual in that it asks for us to take spiritual action. In Step Three, we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. In Step Five, we share our defects of character and the nature of our wrongs with another person, but we also let God know that we knew. We now need to commit ourselves to understanding what we’re turning over. What do our will and our life consist of?

In Step Seven, we are further making good on our decision in Step Three. These objectionable behaviors, these defects of character that we have found out about, that have ruled our lives and made us miserable, we discover they have caused us to hurt other people repeatedly. So we are now committing ourselves to remove them. It’s not like, “Please take away my hurts and little owies.” This is a commitment to turn my will and my life over entirely. If I do this and let go of the need to control things, then my need to have character defects is nonexistent. I will no longer be managing life; I will be living life.

Step Seven is part of a spiritual condition of which the Big Book speaks. It is the constant struggle between my will and God’s will. The Seventh Step and the prayer that I say to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings is the commitment to act out of God’s will rather than react out of my will.

Moving into Step Eight and understanding precisely what the commitment in Seven is all about changes the dynamic of why we’re making this list. Whether we’re using our Fourth Step or starting all over again from whole-cloth using the Fourth Step as a guide, we will undoubtedly add others who we remember being harmed by our behavior. Preparing ourselves to make these amends is to commit to changing the behavior that created the need for the amends. Step Eight isn’t a list of people to whom we need to apologize or say we’re sorry. We don’t go back and say, “Well, I hurt you, but you were mean to me.” That’s not going to work. Instead, it has to do with amending a life incident in which our behavior caused another person distress. It harmed them in some way. It harmed them emotionally. It harmed them physically. It may have harmed them financially. In whatever way it was, we have to offer to make that whole somehow.

When I did these steps, my sponsor said something to me that I didn’t understand at first. I understand it clearly now. What he said to me was, “If you’re not intending to in any way change the behavior that created the need for this amend, then just don’t bother to put it down.” What I thought he was talking about was a parsing of who needed an amends and who didn’t. And what he was actually saying was that this is a commitment to change the way you act. This is a wrong that you’re correcting. Not an incident. Not a bad mistake. Not an error in judgment. This is a wrong. When you create wrongs, it’s from a place of misguided or defective character. When you wish to correct that behavior and not ever do it again, then you are ready to make that amends. Because you can close the door and make whole what was wrong and eventually close the door on that behavior saying, “I’m never going to do that behavior again.”

I’m not sure if I’ve said everything I need to say about Step Eight. I think I made my point regarding what happens in Seven that leads to Eight. And how that informs the preparation of Step Eight – making a list of all persons and then becoming willing to make amends to them all. After reading Step Eight is the point where often we’re told the story of three columns. The people we’re willing to make amends to right away. The people that we know we need to make amends to, but we want to put it off until the last possible moment. And then there’s the third column which is the “no way in hell” will we make amends to that person. If anything, they owe amends to us, etc., etc., etc.

The truth is a little more nuanced. There aren’t really three solid columns. Some people fall into areas between those columns. During the first few experiences in making amends, at least appropriately making amends, one may find that the results are not what they had dreaded. That magnifying mind of ours tells us that it will be horrible, that the person will ask us to do things we don’t want to do. I suggested to my sponsor that I was worried that somebody might ask me to paint their house to make amends. My sponsor looked askance and said, “Well, are you a house painter?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Well, then, why in the hell would they ask you to paint their house?”

These irrational beliefs are the kind of nonsense someone going through this for the first time will make up in their minds. This is why it’s critical that this step, in particular, as with all the steps, have guidance. Guidance is the most vital aspect of working the Steps. You cannot do this by yourself. You need either a sponsor or a mentor, or a spiritual leader. Someone who can help you traverse the minefield that your mind creates for these steps. It’s about how horrible it’s going to be, and if I do this, then this will happen, and if I don’t do this, then this will happen. The sponsor is not emotionally attached to all the craziness in your head. They have been through it themselves in a way that suggests that some of the things we’re thinking are also the things they believed. So that they can actually relate to it and help re-guide or redirect the individual back on the road to getting into recovery without stepping in something or breaking a leg.