Walk to Daylight

I‘m sure I’ve said it somewhere in here before but it bears repeating. I’m not an authority on recovery or the Steps. Like all those before me, I share my ‘experience, strength, and hope.’ These are essentially conversations with myself. It’s like, “if someone were to ask me, what would I say?”

This particular journey through the Spaces Between the Steps started with me long ago. The conversations about that started three years ago as I was about to present a weekend workshop on this subject.

I chose the above photo because it so wonderfully represents my experience with the 12 Steps. No matter how dark things get, I can always take the steps back to daylight.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this long conversation. I would appreciate any thoughts you might have. 

See you soon.

Step Twelve talks about ‘this is what happened to you.’ If we take these steps in the way that is suggested we take them, we’re going to have a profound alteration in our reaction to life. That’s not what the Step says. It’s what it says in the Appendices under “Spiritual Experience.” He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life.” The spiritual awakening it talks about in Step Twelve is just that. If this happens to us as it says it will, we won’t address or deal with life the same way we used to. We will not react to life the way we used to. That doesn’t mean we can’t slip back and occasionally act out, utilizing all our character defects.

What it means is that we made a trek and that trek was transformative and transfiguring, walking through the fire instead of walking around the fire. That transfiguration allows us to have authority and experience to share with other alcoholics. So we’re carrying a message: “here’s what I did, and here’s how it changed my life, and if you want to have a change in your life, you’ll need to do this as well.”

Not everybody is interested in that. It doesn’t matter because that’s the message. The message doesn’t change because the recipient rejects it, doesn’t want it, or doesn’t understand it. The message remains the same. If you want to be transformed. If you want to be transfigured. Then do these actions precisely as instructed, and you will have that transfiguration. And when you do, your only obligation is to pass that message on to the next alcoholic or addict. That’s a pretty profound but straightforward directive.

What makes Step Twelve so powerful is that it tells us why we took those Steps. It was to be changed, and it was to be changed in a way that made us more beneficial to God and to others. It’s not necessarily to feel better, although, luckily, in most cases, a person feels better. It doesn’t eliminate problems. Problems are going to exist no matter what. There’s no amount of praying, going to meetings, talking to your sponsor, or reading the Big Book that will eliminate problems from our life. But, how we manage those problems or react to them will be changed and will be different. We’ll begin to see things in a more mature and rational, and logical way. And we will be able to manage our troubles in solution-based ways rather than problem-based.

Most people who have been in the program a while believe strongly in the idea of sponsorship and service. As with all actions, the repetitiveness of a good service commitment changes our brain chemistry. Some are resistant to the idea of following instructions, even simple instructions. They don’t feel like being told what to do. This presentation doesn’t change the fact that they’re hurting. Allowing those new to the program the opportunity to do service is one of the ways to begin changing that attitude. Once we start to do service, usually under the tutelage of a sponsor, we begin to feel better about ourselves. When we feel better about ourselves, we’re less resistant to discussing things we need to change. We become more open to the idea of making changes in ourselves. The idea of sponsorship and service, however simplistic it might seem, is an essential starting place towards change that only talking about the steps doesn’t do.

My first sponsor in Chicago, Mike, believed that an individual understood a step a year. I initially thought he meant work a Step a year. The operative word was “understand.” If we work on some aspects of the Steps in a week, like the old, old timers did, we would still need much time for a complete understanding of the Steps. This means that I probably should have understood each Step entirely by the time I got to 12 years. I’ve been in the program exactly three times 12, and I won’t say with any confidence I fully understand the steps.

By having these conversations with myself and connecting with others, I understand the more profound nature of the Steps and what they mean. I know that taking the Steps is not a “to-do list.” It is a process I repeat, mostly daily, to make myself better suited to do whatever God’s will for me is. God’s will for me doesn’t necessarily mean running into burning buildings or feeding the hungry, or bringing World peace. It just means I’m not that person I used to be. That person was hurtful, angry, sad, and destructive to themselves and others. That person didn’t feel worthy, didn’t feel they fit in, didn’t feel like they contributed anything by their presence. A program of recovery allows that person to negate all of that thinking by taking action. These Steps are the platform by which these actions happen.

The Steps’ profoundness is that they apply to all issues, with some significant exceptions. The exceptions have to do with childhood trauma, especially sexual exploitation and sexual abuse of a child. These things have such deep and robust scarring that only professional help can move a person to a place where forgiveness is allowed and becomes the healing aspect.

I’m sure there are other issues that some would argue AA or NA or any of the Twelve Step programs would not address effectively. I’m not here to argue that point. I know that for this alcoholic, the Steps have become a centering process by which almost all the problems I create for myself especially can be dealt with effectively if I’m willing to do the work. That’s the bottom line. How willing am I to follow directions? How willing am I to surrender what I believed all my life and take on something else? Again and again, how often am I willing to come to a point where to remain in the old ways is to cause me to stagnate spiritually. The need for the new way will be difficult and frightening but will, in the end, nurture me; it will comfort me and allow me to grow. That’s all.