Month: August 2023

Step Two provided me the longest duration of befuddlement. I know now I was thinking way too hard and way too deep to see the more obvious meaning. In the end, it was “no big deal.”

Step 2:

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Did this belief come easy to you?

I don’t think so and not for a lack of trying. I think I remained baffled for a long time about this step. Today, I know it’s mostly about displaying some willingness to believe in something that might relieve me of the feeling that I need to control things. I, and many others, struggle mightily with the idea that control is really an illusion.

Bluntly, when I believe I’m in control, nothing else can happen. It’s really that simple. There’s no movement, no growth, and no maturing. It’s like the old Buster Keaton movies where he walks into the wind. The powerful gale keeps him upright, but he’s not going anywhere. On top of that it’s exhausting.

Being active in our addictions is exhausting. The energy we expend to maintain addiction is remarkable. If we could put half that energy into anything else, we’d really accomplish something. Instead, we work everyday thinking about using or drinking, using and drinking, recovering from using and drinking and then thinking about using and drinking. What part of that is sane?

We never think of that while we’re in the midst of it. The addiction is the power and we supply the energy. But we’re like the ant on a log floating in the river. When the log goes around a bend in the river, the ant thinks it’s steering.

What is the power greater than yourself?

In truth, everything is a power greater than me if I’m willing to see it that way. What is often recommended is that a person use the group or other large force to represent a power larger and therefore, greater than you.  To start worrying about having the correct higher power at this point is pretty pointless. This is all about being open to the idea, not about selecting a “higher power.”

This step is a “realizing” step. Some get it right away. Some, like myself, have to work through all the pre-existing archetypes and beliefs. What George Carlin referred to as “the invisible man in the sky.” This is the stumbling block of “Higher Power.”

Some how the idea of a Power greater than myself becomes easier to understand. When placed into a context of – you have no power – you begin to realize that reasonable access to Power is an option. It’s like the oversight of a benevolent senior partner. You can’t do everything so why try? Talk to your partner.

What does letting go feel like?

“Letting go” isn’t concretely a part of this step, but conceptionally it is, so I will continue and answer the question. The idea of “letting go” is fundamental to how all the Steps work.

Letting go actually becomes a part of the recovering person’s life, but not right away. I think for me the reality of letting go of the need to control was a long and arduous process and I didn’t relinquish it happily. This is probably pretty common for those of us who really believed we had some control over things.

Here is the truth that must be discovered even if it is over time. Control and spirituality cannot occupy the same space. You cannot speak of having a fit spiritual condition when you are still trying to control things… Anything. Letting go is the leap of faith that tells us to not put ourselves in the way of how things happen.

In my life, when I let go I get what I’m suppose to get. I will go into more detail about that in the later steps, but suffice it to say those early in recovery want to manage outcomes and share their “better idea” with others. This is where the term “keep coming back” was formed.

My response to most impulses today is things work out fine until I help.

 Did you find sanity?

Sanity isn’t all the crazy things I did when I was drinking, although my personality in those times might have been diagnosable as “crazy.” Insanity was the inability to recognize how my world really was when viewed by a sane person. I think finally recognizing just a bit of that is the turning point for many who finally become willing to do things they don’t believe in.

This comes with the willingness to let go of trying to manage all those things that aren’t mine to manage. I like to say that 90% of what goes on during the day is none of my business and the 10% that’s left is mine to manage.

If my life is unmanageable it makes sense that I should do whatever I can to identify all those things I think I need to manage and let them go. If I do what’s in front of me – the next right thing – I can stay comfortably within my 10%. Whenever I try to manage beyond that, I start to move into the 11, 12 or 13% area. My life immediately gets more unmanageable and insane.

There are two definitions of insanity. One is the most common and agreed upon definition of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And then there’s the definition of “Things need to change, but I don’t have to.”

Next time, we’ll be questioned about those aspects of Step 3 that make it one of the most confusing and most influential step of all three.

Again, thanks for stopping in. I appreciate the comments. Please put your comments on the sight. I won’t stop doing this no matter what you say.

Last week, I had a pretty good response to an article I wrote a few years ago. I thought I’d post another one here of which I’m particularly fond. I hope you enjoy it.

Recovery Matters Article – “Accept Every Gift”

There are a lot of slogans surrounding recovery. We see them at meetings, we read them in meditation books, they’re cited in blogs on recovery and I hear them endlessly from my sponsor who thinks the answer to everything is “Easy Does It” or “Let go and let God.” To the newcomer these may seem elementary, with little value. For those who have been “trudging the road” for a while they are a reminder of the simplicity of a program recovery.

Over the last few years, I’ve come across a set of “slogans” that I’ve added to my own mix. These don’t come from any recovery circle that I’m aware of, but they are as applicable to my recovery today as anything I’ve seen in quite a while. These are actually the three basic principles of improvisation.

For those unfamiliar with it, improvisation is the down and dirty embodiment of the power of now. Those who do Improv (its accepted, shortened name) must be firmly planted where their feet are. Many of our fastest and wittiest comedians have long practice with the art of Improv. The three “rules” are simple, as all effective rules are:

1. Accept every gift.
2. Say “Yes, and…”
3. Make your partner look good.

Accept Every Gift

In Improv, you reject nothing. The art and the joy of the craft live in this simple rule. You are not the initiator of what happens, you are the creator of what happens next. This is exactly the way I’d like to live my life each day. For me, God is the initiator of what happens and I am the creator of what happens next. For this to work I must accept every gift.

Even though this may seem fundamental, it’s the one I screw up the most. If I believe everything happens for a reason and I do, then everything that comes to me must be a gift. I need to be able to accept it regardless of my ability to perceive it as a gift. Even if I don’t like it or wish it could be different I must accept it as a gift.

Say “Yes, and…”

Another key element of Improv is you never say “No.” By accepting every gift you are fundamentally saying “Yes.” As the creator of what happens next, you must continue, adding to the gift. What I do with the gift once it’s handed to me is as important as accepting the gift itself. I am say “Yes, and…” What comes next is the new gift I pass along.

As with rule number one, this is exactly the way I’d like to live my life each day.  There have been plenty of times in my life where “no” could have easily been “yes, and…” It’s sad to admit that I missed out on a lot of things life offered because I said “no” rather than “yes, and…”

Make Your Partner Look Good

Improv at it’s core is selfless and co-creative. When each person in the relationship is trying to make the other person look good, the outcomes are almost limitless. The overriding principle is “We’re in this together. I want you to succeed.”

I have numerous partners in this life — my family, my friends, my co-workers and God. I can’t honestly say I’ve done a stellar job in making them look good, but I’d love to give it a try. Most of my life, despite my best efforts, I’ve been inner directed and outer centered. What Improv teaches is how to be inner centered and outer directed.

You may ask, “What does this have to do with recovery?” I like simple instructions for life. I’m not interested in being complicated or deep. Because recovery is a daily process, I need help staying in the now. These three rules can really help me do that. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one moment at a time.

I am posting every week now and will continue to do so for a while. I am grateful to those who take a few minutes to read what I’ve written. I would ask that you either “Like” it if possible or make a comment. Thanks.

Now we move onto questions specific to a step. These represent experience working the Steps but also channeling the experience of others.

Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (chemicals) —that our lives had become unmanageable.

What does unmanageable look like?

This step is often misinterpreted by the newcomer because of their very desire to “understand” or “know why” they have the problem they have. For many of us, we believed that knowing the “why” would give us a key to the solution. This was the way we had solved other problems in our lives. We failed to understand that we were facing a problem for which our normal problem solving techniques didn’t work.

The shorthand interpretation of the first part of this step is “We admitted we were alcoholics–” but it doesn’t say that at all. The next natural misinterpretation is that because I am an alcoholic my life has become unmanageable. I would venture to say that this is most people’s first interpretation of that step.

If this were the correct interpretation than it would make sense to believe that if I quit drinking or using my life will become manageable again. Even in the early days of recovery most will attest to the folly of that line of reasoning. What usually happens is much the opposite. Once the drink or the drug is removed, the person’s life remains unmanageable, but they no longer have the “tool” they used to cope with it. Since they have never bothered to acquire other “tools” to deal with this unmanageability, they often return to using or drinking.

The core idea about unmanageability isn’t that a person is incompetent or devoid of intellect, it’s that they are trying to manage things that aren’t theirs to manage. This is the idea that somehow we control outcomes. It’s the belief that we have some control over what other people do or think. When these things don’t turn out the way we want or expect, our ability to control is confounded and shown to be an illusion and — our lives have become unmanageable.

Were you in denial about your use?

I think it is interesting that the word denial is not used in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The word that is used and is applicable to the way I perceived my drinking was “delusion.” Had I merely been in denial about my condition I might have sought help earlier. Instead, I was willing to believe anything that supported the idea that I didn’t have a problem. I was completely incapable of seeing how my drinking and behaviors were impacting everybody around me. I was completely incapable of seeing how my drinking was effecting my health. I was completely incapable of seeing how my life was unmanageable and on a path of destruction. That’s delusion, not denial.

What does powerless mean?

In the context of Step One, powerless refers to the “power of choice.”  The Big Book states: “that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.” I really don’t believe there is much more to it than that.

To listen to some people the idea of powerlessness is an ongoing, relentless malady which has forced us to our knees. The fact that I have lost the power of choice in drink is probably strongly leading to all the problems I’m having to be sure, but there is Step One, Part A — Powerless and then there’s Step One, Part B — Unmanageable. The thing that finally gets us to consider doing something is the unmanageability not the powerlessness, but until we remove the using we won’t be able to see any other solution.

What was the tipping point?

My tipping point wasn’t through the Steps. I had no idea (or interest) what they were. The immovable object for me was an intervention from my work. The thought that came to me during this was that my life didn’t seem to be turning out the way I thought it would.  It felt as if the direction my life was going was a foregone conclusion and there was no stopping it. It was like I was playing stud poker and had really bad cards. It was this irrational sense of hopelessness that caused me to feel that if there was a solution I would take it.

I learned in my meeting with an EAP that life really was draw poker and I could throw my bad cards in at any time and draw new ones. I could do this on a daily basis. That was the first time I had ever heard that. Because I was ready to hear that, it could easily be characterized as a “tipping point.”

Was step 1 a relief?

My moment of surrender in the EAP’s office changed everything. I didn’t know it then and I can’t even say why now. I can’t say I felt better, but I realized I felt different. Did I take Step One without realizing it? Maybe. Once I was introduced to the steps I had an alcoholic’s healthy disregard of what they represented.

After treatment, I got a sponsor who recognized my keen alcoholic logic and said, “You are too sick to stay sober on the Fellowship alone. You’re going to need the program as well.” I got acclimated pretty quickly that the steps were way more than a to-do list. This was going to be an ongoing process and I wasn’t going to feel “relief” for a while.

What effects did your entry into Step 1 have on those around you?

I can say unequivocally that no one was glad to see me when I was drinking. Fortunately, my early recovery was characterized by a lot of changes for me, but not so much for others. My new friends were glad to see me and were genuinely concerned. The most amazing part was they were speaking a language I completely understood. That’s when I started to work the Steps.

I referenced this small article I wrote in the last blog. Here is a re-publishing of it.

Recovery Matters Article “We’ve Got A Step For That”

I know an old timer whose response to every problem you bring him is, “We’ve got a step for that!” If you continue to stare blankly he will then proceed to explain which step and how it applies. I haven’t known him to be wrong yet. This guy isn’t some remarkable sage. He’s just been around long enough to see that addicts and alcoholics tend to bring the same problems. For many, this “simple kit of spiritual tools” provides the way to navigate life on a daily basis. But as with any “tools” experience helps direct us on their use.

In the utilization of these “spiritual tools” It is probably foolish to believe that the problems of someone with a few to many years of recovery are appreciably different than those of the newcomer. Therefore, the premise of “We’ve got a step for that.” applies to all, not just some. This is especially true when we talk about relapse. Nothing is so subtle as the change in attitude and behavior that often precedes a return to use or some kind of behavioral crisis.

People who return to use will often point to the more obvious actions leading up the event. They will say they had stopped going to meetings or stopped talking with their sponsor. What are often not recognized are the less obvious thoughts and emotions that precede those obvious actions. These changes are very subtle and are most common among those who have begun to “let up on the spiritual program of action.”

For me, the feeling that I need to control “life” begins to show up and I am not aware of it. I know what this can do to my spiritual condition. I even present workshops where I loudly announce that “control and spirituality cannot occupy the same space,” and yet there I go.

It’s not the big things of which I take back control. After paying a substantial amount of money in car maintenance, the car won’t start. No problem. Take it back to the garage. My daughter leaves my six month old grandson with me by myself for five hours three days in row. Suck it up. Be a grandpa. I live in Minnesota. I Pray that snow won’t ruin our Independence Day celebration. I recognize the limits of my “control” in these situations and can turn them over.

Where I start to take the train off the rails is more subtle, and therefore, more dangerous. I practice my own brand of “I know better” control. “I don’t need to go to my meeting tonight.” “I don’t like working with newcomers because they’re too time consuming.” “I get worn out by of all these ‘spiritual’ people all the time.” Here’s one of my favorites, “I do this all day long.” Oh brother, do we have a step for this guy.

It’s not long before this kind of thinking and inaction begin to erode the fiber of my spiritual condition. In fact, it happens in the nanosecond after I first think it and then follow it with an active inaction. What I do in recovery keeps me there. What I chose not to do in recovery eventually takes Old 96 off the trestle over Willow Creek.

Nobody in my life, including myself, cares about my clear understanding of the steps. My ability to get up in front of people and speak, or my ability to write an article on any subject. What people who know me, my family, my neighbor, my employer and employees care about is that I show up and do what I said I would do. The rest is just “inexplicable dumb shows and noise.”

No matter what is going on in a recovering person’s life right now. No matter what the problem, get to a meeting, talk to someone and hopefully someone will say, “Hey, we got a step for that.”