Get Right With Others

I know it’s not the end because of the life I get to lead today. Rather than “hanging it up” and finding a good place to sit, I keep throwing myself into the nearest swirl.

The play I directed closed last Sunday, and I am learning lines for a small show I’m performing in November. While that is going on, I need to find a Choreographer, Assistant Director, Stage Manager, Costume Designer, and set builder before I head into my next directing project.

The icing on all of this is I occasionally get to write here as well as work on the novel I started while getting my MFA. I’m close to the end, but everything isn’t alright.

Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

How big was your list?

My list was made approximately three years after doing my first 4th and 5th Steps. It was years later before I learned that this list was written when I did my 4th Step. Because that’s not the way I did it, I still have difficulty seeing how that’s my list. I made the list from “scratch” and made plans to make direct amends. I utilized my sponsor heavily for a large portion of this step. The list was not big, but I was very clear about what I needed to do and with whom.

The other thing I did was have a sponsor who was assiduous in pointing out when I wasn’t thinking clearly. This sponsor also gave me some of the best direction I’ve had since I’ve been in this program.

As I started to make this list, he said, “If you are not intending to change the behavior that led to the need for this amend, don’t bother to put it down.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant at first. It had the feel of a Zen riddle. In pondering the meaning, I asked him to repeat it.

More emphatically – as in, listen stupid! “If you have no intention of changing or are, in fact, unaware of the behavior that caused you to need to make this amend, then don’t put it down on the list.”

Of course, I kept hearing, “…don’t put it down on the list.” This felt like some kind of loophole. It wasn’t. It was a wake-up call for the way I had been treating the Steps specifically and the program in general. I had worked the steps up to this point, but that had been as cathartic as a to-do list. Once again, I was making a list of things “to do.”

What my sponsor was trying to get through my head was that our actions have consequences, some long after the event. Some behavior of mine, some errant attitude, some defect of character reached out and hurt another person. The only way to resolve this was easy. Change everything about myself.

I had to realize that this process was to help me recognize and stop this behavior… forever. If I wasn’t ready to do that, then why make amends? You see, the stakes were much higher than going around saying, “I’m sorry,” and having the world say, “That’s okay.” I had to be ready to stop the behavior and never do it again.

How precise did you get with the term “harmed?”

Well, I harmed others in a variety of ways. Mostly, I harmed people by my self-centered, fearful, alcoholic behavior. I stole money, but I also stole emotions and well-intentioned assistance from those who tried to care about me. I was untrustworthy, lying when it was easier to tell the truth, and I did damage to my own reputation as well as the reputation of those I represented.

I had no meaningful relationships because I had no idea how to do that. I didn’t understand the meaning of fidelity, intimacy, or selflessness, all of which were required for successful relationships. I was asked by the man who did my first Fifth Step to describe what I thought a friend was. After I gave him my description, he asked me, “Have you ever been that to someone?” The answer was “No.”

Did you have to make amends for harming yourself?

Absolutely not. This process isn’t about “poor little me.” This is a chance to finally get right with the world. Under the cover of my defects of character, I went out and willfully harmed other people with my behavior. My very presence, with its self-centered, childish attitude, created difficulties for others.

Nowhere in this process is there a place to stop and reflect on how my behavior harmed me. It’s my overwhelming self-centeredness that created most of the chaos. It would be the absolute cherry on the absurdity cake for me to take time out to think about how my behavior hurt me. That it clearly did is beside the point. This step is fully about others and not about me.

What advice would you give yourself now when starting this step? 

Be prepared, and don’t do it alone. Putting together this list can be daunting but I can’t imagine what it would be like without the watchful eyes of another sober person.

Put down everybody and everything. If you are becoming entirely ready to make amends to them all, make sure they are all on the list. There isn’t anyone or anything too small or insignificant. There isn’t anyone or anything you can fill in later if there is time.

This is where the idea of thoroughness really takes root. Be as thorough as possible the first time around, or eight years later, you’ll be back at this same place, only your ass will have fallen off, and you’ll need two sets of suspenders to keep your pants up.

Step 9:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Who did you make amends with and what did you do?

I got sober in Chicago and then, shortly after that, moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t start to work on this step until I was nearly three years sober. My sponsor helped me. In order to start this step, I had to return home. I hadn’t lived there that long in the scheme of things, but that was the hub of most of my damage to other people.

I made travel arrangements back to Chicago and made appointments with all those I could reach. Most of the people were those with whom I worked. There were also roommates and acquaintances from my theater work. All this is why I fervently suggest a person not try doing this step by themselves. There’s just too much that can go wrong.

I should note that not everyone I contacted was willing to see me. Even after three years, several of my former work associates had written me off and weren’t interested in having anything more to do with me. Needless to say, this was disappointing on one hand but a relief on the other. That is until my sponsor told me to keep reaching out to them. That worked, and after a little persistence, they all agreed to see me.

Importantly, I had the opportunity to make direct amends to those I had harmed. Only one of the people I met on that trip was less than gracious. But as my sponsor repeated to me often about many things, “You take the steps, the outcome is out of your hands.”

What’s the difference between being willing to make amends on paper and looking into the face of the person you harmed?

The real purpose of the amend is to let the other person know what wrong or harm you committed and ask them what you can do to make that right. This is a bit more than saying you’re sorry and more than a little disconcerting to think about. I don’t know how this can be done any other way but face-to-face.

As I had never done anything like this before other than a weak “sorry” to someone, I was most concerned about asking what I could do to make it right. Like everything else in this step, my projection of it was bigger and more awful than the truth. With only one exception, everyone was receptive and glad to see I was doing well. They were, in fact, happy to see me. That hadn’t been the way it was when I left.

From there, I was eager to continue making these direct amends wherever possible. It got easier and easier to do, but harder and harder to do directly. This step is never really completely finished. The longer I stay sober, the truer this becomes.

How is making amends more than words?

Every September, Step Studies discuss Step Nine. For years, when revisiting this step, I would recall someone from my past who I had left off my list. Someone who deserved an amend from me.

There was only a couple I couldn’t find and reach out to. The social media age started to make finding people a lot easier. I was always amazed at how happy people were to hear from me. The would remember me fondly as opposed to darkly and they were always willing to listen to me and the reason for my call.

This may be the most profound aspect of Step Nine. It goes on for years because our recovery – if we want it – goes on for years. We will never know how what we say or do may impact other people. This is why we must be ever diligent in our words and deeds. Going back and correcting what was wrong is the right thing to do and may have great impact on what others may do going forward. It’s powerful stuff.