Wrong Isn’t a Mistake

Step 10:

Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Do you repeat previous mistakes?

I won’t say that I don’t. If I continually made the same mistakes, that would strongly indicate my unwillingness to change. Many know the accepted definition of “insanity” as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. For me, insanity is knowing things need to change, but I don’t have to.

Examples of mistakes are typos in a term paper or making reservations for the wrong night. Behavior that continues to hurt other people isn’t a mistake. It’s wrong. A person in their addiction does nothing but hurt other people. A person in recovery has to be done with all that.

It’s not about repeating mistakes. It’s about changing everything within ourselves that puts others in the crosshairs of our behavior.

What does admitting you’re wrong look like?

Admitting a wrong is a stronger and hopefully more lasting action than apologizing for an error in judgment or a momentary slip of the tongue. This is taking on an attitude or behavior that may be present for a lifetime that now needs to change. This is about the possible damage this attitude or behavior has caused that needs to be repaired, if possible. When this is the case, saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it.

When I admit that what I have done is wrong and ask what I can do to make it right, I am ready to never commit that wrong again. This is the change we are looking for. This is the growth that only comes from this tranfiguring action.

In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, a sentence optimizes what is addressed when admitting a wrong.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

Like most things in this program, the solution is simple. But the willingness and the process are difficult. Sacrifice is required. In this case, the ego must be replaced. Since ego is just a barrier we use to keep people from knowing who we truly are, its replacement with openness actually allows our self-esteem to rise.

How does it look different when you do it to different people?

If you do it “promptly” as it suggests, there doesn’t need to be any stratification. People for whom we have little or no emotional attachment will be easier to admit wrong than those we do have feelings for, like our family. But there shouldn’t be a difference. Remember, admitting a wrong is how we get right.

When you are upset, the question should always be, “What am I going to do?” It’s not what others should do but what I should do to get un-upset. This is often when we struggle with our egos. The need to be right is just another delusional aspect of having control.

I must reveal that I often admit I’m wrong even when I’m uncertain whether I’m right or wrong. I have found that in these situations, there is little to gain in fighting to be right. For me, admitting I’m wrong and moving on is just easier and less stressful.

Do people take advantage of your openness?

I hope so.

How often do you practice this step? 

If I’m smart, I practice it daily. This one and the next two steps as well. I call Step 10 the “get un-upset step.” I know that if I’m feeling disturbed or upset, I need to figure out why. The answer isn’t in what someone did. The answer is, “Why am I upset?”

I can always find something in my core that reacts badly. It’s always some defect of character that I’m still whittling away at. Once I know what it is, I can do what I need to do to get un-upset. Meditation, reading, listening to music, taking a walk, talking to a friend, or writing a blog – like this one.

I originally posted this a couple of years ago, but I realized I had only partially answered the first question before I posted. I’m glad I got to revisit it and finish it.