Notes from the Half Measures Seats

I am posting every week now and will continue to do so for a while. I am grateful to those who take a few minutes to read what I’ve written. I would ask that you either “Like” it if possible or make a comment. Thanks.

Now we move onto questions specific to a step. These represent experience working the Steps but also channeling the experience of others.

Step 1:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (chemicals) —that our lives had become unmanageable.

What does unmanageable look like?

This step is often misinterpreted by the newcomer because of their very desire to “understand” or “know why” they have the problem they have. For many of us, we believed that knowing the “why” would give us a key to the solution. This was the way we had solved other problems in our lives. We failed to understand that we were facing a problem for which our normal problem solving techniques didn’t work.

The shorthand interpretation of the first part of this step is “We admitted we were alcoholics–” but it doesn’t say that at all. The next natural misinterpretation is that because I am an alcoholic my life has become unmanageable. I would venture to say that this is most people’s first interpretation of that step.

If this were the correct interpretation than it would make sense to believe that if I quit drinking or using my life will become manageable again. Even in the early days of recovery most will attest to the folly of that line of reasoning. What usually happens is much the opposite. Once the drink or the drug is removed, the person’s life remains unmanageable, but they no longer have the “tool” they used to cope with it. Since they have never bothered to acquire other “tools” to deal with this unmanageability, they often return to using or drinking.

The core idea about unmanageability isn’t that a person is incompetent or devoid of intellect, it’s that they are trying to manage things that aren’t theirs to manage. This is the idea that somehow we control outcomes. It’s the belief that we have some control over what other people do or think. When these things don’t turn out the way we want or expect, our ability to control is confounded and shown to be an illusion and — our lives have become unmanageable.

Were you in denial about your use?

I think it is interesting that the word denial is not used in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The word that is used and is applicable to the way I perceived my drinking was “delusion.” Had I merely been in denial about my condition I might have sought help earlier. Instead, I was willing to believe anything that supported the idea that I didn’t have a problem. I was completely incapable of seeing how my drinking and behaviors were impacting everybody around me. I was completely incapable of seeing how my drinking was effecting my health. I was completely incapable of seeing how my life was unmanageable and on a path of destruction. That’s delusion, not denial.

What does powerless mean?

In the context of Step One, powerless refers to the “power of choice.”  The Big Book states: “that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink.” I really don’t believe there is much more to it than that.

To listen to some people the idea of powerlessness is an ongoing, relentless malady which has forced us to our knees. The fact that I have lost the power of choice in drink is probably strongly leading to all the problems I’m having to be sure, but there is Step One, Part A — Powerless and then there’s Step One, Part B — Unmanageable. The thing that finally gets us to consider doing something is the unmanageability not the powerlessness, but until we remove the using we won’t be able to see any other solution.

What was the tipping point?

My tipping point wasn’t through the Steps. I had no idea (or interest) what they were. The immovable object for me was an intervention from my work. The thought that came to me during this was that my life didn’t seem to be turning out the way I thought it would.  It felt as if the direction my life was going was a foregone conclusion and there was no stopping it. It was like I was playing stud poker and had really bad cards. It was this irrational sense of hopelessness that caused me to feel that if there was a solution I would take it.

I learned in my meeting with an EAP that life really was draw poker and I could throw my bad cards in at any time and draw new ones. I could do this on a daily basis. That was the first time I had ever heard that. Because I was ready to hear that, it could easily be characterized as a “tipping point.”

Was step 1 a relief?

My moment of surrender in the EAP’s office changed everything. I didn’t know it then and I can’t even say why now. I can’t say I felt better, but I realized I felt different. Did I take Step One without realizing it? Maybe. Once I was introduced to the steps I had an alcoholic’s healthy disregard of what they represented.

After treatment, I got a sponsor who recognized my keen alcoholic logic and said, “You are too sick to stay sober on the Fellowship alone. You’re going to need the program as well.” I got acclimated pretty quickly that the steps were way more than a to-do list. This was going to be an ongoing process and I wasn’t going to feel “relief” for a while.

What effects did your entry into Step 1 have on those around you?

I can say unequivocally that no one was glad to see me when I was drinking. Fortunately, my early recovery was characterized by a lot of changes for me, but not so much for others. My new friends were glad to see me and were genuinely concerned. The most amazing part was they were speaking a language I completely understood. That’s when I started to work the Steps.

I referenced this small article I wrote in the last blog. Here is a re-publishing of it.

Recovery Matters Article “We’ve Got A Step For That”

I know an old timer whose response to every problem you bring him is, “We’ve got a step for that!” If you continue to stare blankly he will then proceed to explain which step and how it applies. I haven’t known him to be wrong yet. This guy isn’t some remarkable sage. He’s just been around long enough to see that addicts and alcoholics tend to bring the same problems. For many, this “simple kit of spiritual tools” provides the way to navigate life on a daily basis. But as with any “tools” experience helps direct us on their use.

In the utilization of these “spiritual tools” It is probably foolish to believe that the problems of someone with a few to many years of recovery are appreciably different than those of the newcomer. Therefore, the premise of “We’ve got a step for that.” applies to all, not just some. This is especially true when we talk about relapse. Nothing is so subtle as the change in attitude and behavior that often precedes a return to use or some kind of behavioral crisis.

People who return to use will often point to the more obvious actions leading up the event. They will say they had stopped going to meetings or stopped talking with their sponsor. What are often not recognized are the less obvious thoughts and emotions that precede those obvious actions. These changes are very subtle and are most common among those who have begun to “let up on the spiritual program of action.”

For me, the feeling that I need to control “life” begins to show up and I am not aware of it. I know what this can do to my spiritual condition. I even present workshops where I loudly announce that “control and spirituality cannot occupy the same space,” and yet there I go.

It’s not the big things of which I take back control. After paying a substantial amount of money in car maintenance, the car won’t start. No problem. Take it back to the garage. My daughter leaves my six month old grandson with me by myself for five hours three days in row. Suck it up. Be a grandpa. I live in Minnesota. I Pray that snow won’t ruin our Independence Day celebration. I recognize the limits of my “control” in these situations and can turn them over.

Where I start to take the train off the rails is more subtle, and therefore, more dangerous. I practice my own brand of “I know better” control. “I don’t need to go to my meeting tonight.” “I don’t like working with newcomers because they’re too time consuming.” “I get worn out by of all these ‘spiritual’ people all the time.” Here’s one of my favorites, “I do this all day long.” Oh brother, do we have a step for this guy.

It’s not long before this kind of thinking and inaction begin to erode the fiber of my spiritual condition. In fact, it happens in the nanosecond after I first think it and then follow it with an active inaction. What I do in recovery keeps me there. What I chose not to do in recovery eventually takes Old 96 off the trestle over Willow Creek.

Nobody in my life, including myself, cares about my clear understanding of the steps. My ability to get up in front of people and speak, or my ability to write an article on any subject. What people who know me, my family, my neighbor, my employer and employees care about is that I show up and do what I said I would do. The rest is just “inexplicable dumb shows and noise.”

No matter what is going on in a recovering person’s life right now. No matter what the problem, get to a meeting, talk to someone and hopefully someone will say, “Hey, we got a step for that.”

I’m back for what must be Round Three. I’m going back to the beginning again using some of the material I put together for a project called Discovering the 12 Steps. The material here isn’t that, but the rumination of someone in recovery about the journey from Taking A Leap to today.

A Series of Questions

Some years ago, I assisted in creating a program introducing people to 12-Step recovery. This program targeted treatment facilities to introduce the 12-Step fellowship and the attending Steps to people who had never been exposed or to those whose experience had been less than favorable.

My involvement consisted of answering a series of questions regarding my experience. I was also one of many filmed discussing their experience with the Steps. The series is now available. Since I’m not here to sell anything, I’ll say it has been distributed widely and includes many from the Minnesota recovery community.

Every once in a while, I will come across this questionnaire in my many folders of past work. Whenever I come across it, I think, “I should share what I wrote here.” I have considered that because it contained a lot of experience not captured by the original project. So now, I have a blog.

I will share my answers to these questions over the next few weeks and months. I also encourage others who have read these words to share their answers in this blog. This should be fun. I like to talk about recovery, but it only works when I get every perspective.

The Basics: Question One

The project started with the origins of the 12 steps, the scope of their use, their intent, and the spiritual component.

It then moved into practical information such as finding a 12-step group (open groups, beginner meetings, women only, men only, cultural, gender orientation, etc.). Then adding the importance of relationships you can’t get attempting the 12 steps alone, what happens at 12-step meetings, how to find a good fit in a sponsor, and so on.

For the first segment, the first question was:

Did you think, “I’m afraid of opening up to a group of strangers?”

My first meeting outside treatment was in Tucson, AZ, in January 1987. While in treatment, I committed myself to follow through with anything I said I would do. As I went out the door after 31 days in the desert, my counselor asked, “Are you going to a meeting tonight?” I responded, “Yes.” This wouldn’t be the last time I would wish I hadn’t made that commitment to myself.

Tucson isn’t known for its snowfall, but they had a blizzard that night. First time in 13 years, and I was going to drive to a meeting in a town I didn’t know, at a location I’d never been to before, and decidedly pre-GPS. The positive thing was I was from Chicago, so driving in snow wasn’t an issue.

I barely remember anything about that meeting except it was in a church and was so full of people some of us sat on the floor. It had that late 80’s hootenanny feel to it. I don’t know why I can’t remember anything else. Probably because nothing bad or funny happened, those are usually the things I remember.

The next day I flew home to Chicago. The flight was barely filled. I was sitting near the back of the plane with several empty rows in front of me. Once the plane was at “cruising altitude,” the flight attendant parked in the back asked me if I wanted a beer. I politely declined but asked if she had coffee. She gave me a cup of coffee, and then cooly asked, “Would you like some Bailey’s in that?”

I’m thinking to myself, “I just got out of treatment. What the hell’s wrong with you? Do you work for them somehow? Is this a test?” I didn’t say this out loud. I just said, “No, thank you. The coffee’s fine.”

Looking back on it, it’s a miracle I didn’t say, “Yeah, do that. And you know what? Give me that beer too, and keep ‘em coming until we land in Chicago, and you have to push me out that little window on the side of the plane.”

That night, I went to my second meeting at the venerable Mustard Seed. At that time, the “Seed,” as it was referred to, was located in a converted fire station. To walk into that building was to see what was meant by “We are people who normally would not mix.” (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg.17) It was a veritable panoply of Chicago life in one large room. You could also smoke two packs of cigarettes without lighting up.

I spent many nights in that room, found my sponsor there, and learned the true meaning of fellowship. But not that night. I found a seat in the meeting area. I sat in awe. Two people on either side of me shared they had just “relapsed.” They had both gone to treatment, and then they used. I wasn’t afraid of opening up in front of a group of strangers, but the information they shared scared the shit out of me. Until then, I hadn’t thought returning to use possible.

The next day, back at work, I headed to Madison, WI, where I would conduct recruiting interviews with prospective college seniors. That night, I had the address of a meeting. Unfortunately, as in Tucson, although a little less peculiar, it was snowing hard. I couldn’t see street signs; I could barely see streets. I was pretty lost.

Suddenly, in front of me, I saw “Easy Does It” on a car’s bumper. At a stoplight, I pulled up beside this person, honked my horn, rolled down my window, and said, “Are you a friend of Bill W?” The driver said, “Who?” Come to find out; he’d gotten the car from a friend of his who had gone to prison. I didn’t find that meeting, but I’d made an effort and felt that counted.

I’ve lost count of how many meetings I’ve been to since those first three days out of treatment, but I’ve thankfully and gratefully been sober ever since.

How many of you remember your first meetings? I’d love to hear your stories. Were you afraid to share in front of a group of strangers?

I‘m sure I’ve said it somewhere in here before but it bears repeating. I’m not an authority on recovery or the Steps. Like all those before me, I share my ‘experience, strength, and hope.’ These are essentially conversations with myself. It’s like, “if someone were to ask me, what would I say?”

This particular journey through the Spaces Between the Steps started with me long ago. The conversations about that started three years ago as I was about to present a weekend workshop on this subject.

I chose the above photo because it so wonderfully represents my experience with the 12 Steps. No matter how dark things get, I can always take the steps back to daylight.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this long conversation. I would appreciate any thoughts you might have. 

See you soon.

Step Twelve talks about ‘this is what happened to you.’ If we take these steps in the way that is suggested we take them, we’re going to have a profound alteration in our reaction to life. That’s not what the Step says. It’s what it says in the Appendices under “Spiritual Experience.” He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life.” The spiritual awakening it talks about in Step Twelve is just that. If this happens to us as it says it will, we won’t address or deal with life the same way we used to. We will not react to life the way we used to. That doesn’t mean we can’t slip back and occasionally act out, utilizing all our character defects.

What it means is that we made a trek and that trek was transformative and transfiguring, walking through the fire instead of walking around the fire. That transfiguration allows us to have authority and experience to share with other alcoholics. So we’re carrying a message: “here’s what I did, and here’s how it changed my life, and if you want to have a change in your life, you’ll need to do this as well.”

Not everybody is interested in that. It doesn’t matter because that’s the message. The message doesn’t change because the recipient rejects it, doesn’t want it, or doesn’t understand it. The message remains the same. If you want to be transformed. If you want to be transfigured. Then do these actions precisely as instructed, and you will have that transfiguration. And when you do, your only obligation is to pass that message on to the next alcoholic or addict. That’s a pretty profound but straightforward directive.

What makes Step Twelve so powerful is that it tells us why we took those Steps. It was to be changed, and it was to be changed in a way that made us more beneficial to God and to others. It’s not necessarily to feel better, although, luckily, in most cases, a person feels better. It doesn’t eliminate problems. Problems are going to exist no matter what. There’s no amount of praying, going to meetings, talking to your sponsor, or reading the Big Book that will eliminate problems from our life. But, how we manage those problems or react to them will be changed and will be different. We’ll begin to see things in a more mature and rational, and logical way. And we will be able to manage our troubles in solution-based ways rather than problem-based.

Most people who have been in the program a while believe strongly in the idea of sponsorship and service. As with all actions, the repetitiveness of a good service commitment changes our brain chemistry. Some are resistant to the idea of following instructions, even simple instructions. They don’t feel like being told what to do. This presentation doesn’t change the fact that they’re hurting. Allowing those new to the program the opportunity to do service is one of the ways to begin changing that attitude. Once we start to do service, usually under the tutelage of a sponsor, we begin to feel better about ourselves. When we feel better about ourselves, we’re less resistant to discussing things we need to change. We become more open to the idea of making changes in ourselves. The idea of sponsorship and service, however simplistic it might seem, is an essential starting place towards change that only talking about the steps doesn’t do.

My first sponsor in Chicago, Mike, believed that an individual understood a step a year. I initially thought he meant work a Step a year. The operative word was “understand.” If we work on some aspects of the Steps in a week, like the old, old timers did, we would still need much time for a complete understanding of the Steps. This means that I probably should have understood each Step entirely by the time I got to 12 years. I’ve been in the program exactly three times 12, and I won’t say with any confidence I fully understand the steps.

By having these conversations with myself and connecting with others, I understand the more profound nature of the Steps and what they mean. I know that taking the Steps is not a “to-do list.” It is a process I repeat, mostly daily, to make myself better suited to do whatever God’s will for me is. God’s will for me doesn’t necessarily mean running into burning buildings or feeding the hungry, or bringing World peace. It just means I’m not that person I used to be. That person was hurtful, angry, sad, and destructive to themselves and others. That person didn’t feel worthy, didn’t feel they fit in, didn’t feel like they contributed anything by their presence. A program of recovery allows that person to negate all of that thinking by taking action. These Steps are the platform by which these actions happen.

The Steps’ profoundness is that they apply to all issues, with some significant exceptions. The exceptions have to do with childhood trauma, especially sexual exploitation and sexual abuse of a child. These things have such deep and robust scarring that only professional help can move a person to a place where forgiveness is allowed and becomes the healing aspect.

I’m sure there are other issues that some would argue AA or NA or any of the Twelve Step programs would not address effectively. I’m not here to argue that point. I know that for this alcoholic, the Steps have become a centering process by which almost all the problems I create for myself especially can be dealt with effectively if I’m willing to do the work. That’s the bottom line. How willing am I to follow directions? How willing am I to surrender what I believed all my life and take on something else? Again and again, how often am I willing to come to a point where to remain in the old ways is to cause me to stagnate spiritually. The need for the new way will be difficult and frightening but will, in the end, nurture me; it will comfort me and allow me to grow. That’s all.

I’m not as upset about the world as it is today as many are. It’s not that I’m impervious to the fact that things I disagree with are offered as alternatives or that there seems to be a lack of rationality among many. I’m not upset because change is what life is all about. Some of that change is positive, and some of it is not. To be like Lear, raging against the storm, is not something I can afford. I’ll take on the smaller things, the things that I can manage, the things that are in front of me. 

What is God’s will for us? That’s what this following section addresses; how having that purpose in life makes life more reasonable.

There isn’t much of a space between Step Ten and Step Eleven. They fit together like interwoven fingers or tongue and groove flooring. It’s easy to segment Step Eleven and only pay attention to a part of it. It is the longest Step of the twelve at 32 words. It also contains a lot for us to consider. It does refer to “prayer,” and it does refer to “meditation,” but there is more to contemplate than those two actions.

If you take Step Eleven in its entirety, instead of segmenting it, the Step says that we are to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him. And we pray only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. So the Step says, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” That’s the whole Step. So taken in its entirety, it means one thing: we seek to gain understanding so that we may “be of maximum service to God and the people about us.” It says that in the book.

I go to a Step Eleven group. It’s a meditation group where we spend 20 minutes meditating and then talk about the Eleventh Step. Maybe it’s because the nature of the group is about meditation that the discussion tends to be about meditation. But meditation in and of itself is not the whole answer. It is a clearing; it is a centering that is often necessary. In my own life, I’ve discovered that the more strife I have and the more distress that comes my way — whether it’s the death of a spouse or difficulties with my job, or dealing with jerks in the things I volunteer to do — the more I need centering so that I may continue to function. However, if my life merely becomes a series of distressing activities countered by constant meditation, where’s the benefit to God and to others? That’s just beneficial to me.

At this stage of the process, Step Eleven is preparing me to do what Step Twelve says, and that’s “carry this message” of the Spiritual Awakening. We will need this in order to be free of our problem. It’s all problems, really, but for now, it’s the problem dogging me most at the point at which I decide to take these steps. In my case, it was alcoholism.

That was the problem that needed a solution. That was a spiritual solution, and at the point where I was doing Step Eleven. I used prayer and meditation to improve my understanding of this spiritual solution. Eventually, I was expected to carry a particular message to other alcoholics – people who still suffered from this problem.

I want to take a moment to express a fear I have for people who become so enamored with the idea of meditation, breathing, and finding closeness with something, who then find only that to be the answer they need and step away from that which introduced them to this way of life through the 12 Steps. Whether it’s AA or NA, the 12 Step program is what helped us navigate our way to the peace of meditation. If we haven’t done the other steps before jumping to Twelve or Eleven and starting to do what Eleven says, then we’re at a very precarious place.

I have more than once seen people slip off and return to use because they don’t understand that the answer to meditation is in the centering once the person has done all of the essential groundwork of the other steps. Then “sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God” makes sense. We’ve had a psychic change in the process of the actions that we took. We took the Fifth Step, we took the Seventh Step, and we took the Ninth Step. These were actions that we took that changed us. They changed the way we reacted, the way we navigated life, the way we viewed the day-to-day, and the way we behaved.

With those things altered, seeking through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God makes sense. The fact we’re doing it, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out, makes sense, especially when we move to Step Twelve.

Step Eleven is all about improving conscious contact. We’re attempting to be in a relationship with a power greater than ourselves in a way that allows us to understand, daily, what we should be doing next. What’s in front of us? Can we do it? Of course, we’ve asked for help that way; we’ve asked for the power to carry it out. So the actions we take, if we’re asking daily, are supported by a spiritual connection.

These next three segments are the last part of what I have to say. After a long process, I’ve reached a place in the Steps that represents the beginning of the rest of my life. Once I understood the importance of what I had accomplished, I was no longer as willing to hurt other people. I started to see my progress in that way. There’s just one question. How are my relationships with others?

The proof of a change in me isn’t in 12-Step meetings, talking about the book with a newcomer, or what I write here. The evidence is in my actions. Ask others- my children, coworkers, neighbors- about me. What they say about me is the proof, not what I say.

We continue our work on the Ninth Step, making progress at making amends, not only those people to whom we urgently wanted to make amends but those people to whom we begrudgingly made amends. Even those to whom we were never going to make amends. This process changes us. We start to feel that freedom and happiness talked about in the “Promises” along with other sustained good feelings. Why would we want to mess with that? Why would we want to hold on to our “old ideas” and allow ourselves to become distressed or upset? It happens because we’re human and because people do things to us about which we would like to retaliate or get angry.

Step Ten in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions says that anger is the “occasional luxury of more balanced people.” We can’t manage anger, justifiable or not. We cannot deal with being upset for an extended period of time. It destroys us. It diminishes us. It creates resentment. It creates our acting out in inappropriate ways. It unleashes our character defects. More often than not, it creates our hurting other people in ways that will assuredly require an amend.

This process isn’t bulletproof. We don’t have carte blanche to go out and do anything we want because we can do a Step Nine or a Step Ten. That’s not what it means at all. When we’re admitting wrong, we’re saying we’re not going to practice this behavior anymore. And every time we admit we’re wrong, we’re working towards not doing it again. So if we’re coming to this Step with the same behavior repeatedly, it behooves us to look at that behavior and figure out what advantage we are getting out of acting this way. Because if it isn’t doing something for us, why are we doing it?

There are as many descriptions of Step Ten as people in the program in terms of how they practice this Step themselves. So you hear many different explanations on how to practice this Step in meetings where the group is talking about this Step. This is especially true in October.

The chapter in Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions dealing with Step Ten contains a significant sentence that, when fully understood, allows us to take ourselves to task about how we react to things. It says, “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” The brilliance of that statement is not only how true it is but how true it is for alcoholics and addicts. When it comes to “being upset, we don’t own that emotion, but we certainly can make an art form out of “being upset.”

This sentence may have put this Step at a much higher level than previously believed. It says that I am somehow the one who is at fault, even when I may think I’m not the one at fault. The truth is, if I’m the one who’s upset, then it behooves me to find out why in the hell I’m upset? It probably has nothing to do with the actions of someone else and everything to do with how I react to their actions.

Today, I rarely feel the need to go back and admit a wrong to someone I’ve hurt as I’ve gotten out of the business of running roughshod over other people. Instead, I’m working on being reasonable and understanding. This doesn’t mean that in my head, I don’t run through all the various ways that this individual could die, and I not be blamed for it. But, of course, even that is as much a “wrong” as if I had actually done something directly to the person.

A key element in taking the personal inventory is to look at where we are wrong. Not where another person is wrong. Not where the other person should have behaved a certain way but where we are wrong. I’ve discussed this Step with many people and have often explained that many times I have admitted, I was wrong even when a part of me doesn’t believe it. I do that today because it makes life easier. If a person feels they need somebody to admit they’re wrong, and I happen to be that somebody, I can accommodate them. The harmony this brings to life is far greater than the argumentation and warfare about who’s right or who’s wrong may bring. I’m not interested in winning an argument if it means winning a night on the couch or maybe even outside the house. Those are the kinds of arguments nobody wins. There are no winners in arguments with emotional baggage and behavior stuck to them rather than anything important or earth-shattering.

The Step Ten chapter of The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is a manual on navigating day-to-day life. Anyone who reads that chapter and can assimilate what it says into their daily actions will find their lives profoundly altered. It’s not easy stuff. It’s just simple stuff.

Since my post last week, life has changed once again. I have started the second draft of my novel which consists of retyping the whole thing, I volunteered to read over a play in the hopes of creating a more theatrical vision, and my oldest sister has past away after battling her fourth case of cancer.

We get the chance to be busy and deal with life as it hurtles towards us. Only ongoing recovery gives us the skills and armor to do that. I have imperfect days mostly, but in the imperfection I can find my spiritual center.

This is the last post leading up to a view of the space between Steps Nine and Ten.

The way Step Eight moves into Step Nine is an essential aspect of the program. The Big Book goes into great detail about Step Nine. Probably more detail about the particulars of making amends than about anything else, with maybe the exception of the Fourth Step. The book covers all the different scenarios you might run into, including making amends to people with whom you can’t make direct contact. They don’t say people who have died, but they’re implying that there are people who we can’t reach, and we write them an “honest letter.” There is a lot of information in the Big Book about completing Step Nine.

We need to look at what transpires between Step Nine and Step Ten? Because that’s the next leap, going from Step Nine, which is making amends, to Step Ten which continues the inventory practice and the process of making amends. Both of these things together are worked on continually. There’s an awful lot of work to be done before Step Ten has any real meaning to us other than the things you hear at meetings which are an interpretation of the readings the members have done. Some people do a Step Ten at night, some do a Step Ten in the morning, and some do a Step Ten whenever they feel like they need to do a Step Ten. There’s a lot of controversy, confusion, opinions, attitudes, and experiences regarding Step Ten. Before that, it’s important to look at some of the ideas still present in Step Nine.

When I’ve heard people in meetings or elsewhere speak openly and from the heart about their experience working the steps, by and large, what I hear isn’t dramatically or drastically different from one person to another, with this one exception – and that’s Step Nine. Step Nine is a step that if a person is diligent about going back and making right what they felt was wrong, the results can be life-changing. The Step also takes quite a long time to fulfill successfully. There can be many layers of wrongdoing or harm or behaviors that have to be analyzed or understood for the amend to have the effect it needs to have. In doing the amends, you can run into situations where more people you didn’t think of while doing your Fourth and Fifth Steps will pop up and need to have an amend. You also remember that you have used the Fifth Step to determine the exact nature of your wrongs. Once you’ve understood the exact nature of your wrongs, you will see how people you have not thought of before fit into the nature of those wrongs – fear, impatience, intolerance, dishonesty, self-centeredness, etc.

I’ve heard this numerous times from different people, as in my own experience that every September, if you’re in a step study group, Step Nine is usually what’s discussed in the ninth month. Because it was about making amends, for years, stemming from my early recovery into the middle of my recovery, annually around the ninth month, I’d remember somebody I owed money to or somebody that I had treated poorly who needed an amends, and I had just completely forgotten about them. These people had finally risen to the top of my list of those I had hurt and needed an amends.

Paying back money was one thing, but finding people I was no longer in contact with who I felt I needed an amends was a much more complicated process. Over time I was able to fulfill most of those. I can’t say that I’m completely finished. I can’t say there aren’t people to who I would like to be able to make amends, but I have not figured out a way to get a hold of them. In this world of open communication, where we have many resources to communicate with people, it’s somewhat astounding that I haven’t been able to find some of these people. But that’s beside the point.

Step Nine is a living process, and if we’re diligent about our ongoing recovery, we will continue to keep Step Nine – that list – and we will continue to update it as other things come up and need to be added to that list. Step Nine is very specific. It says that we made direct amends to those people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. That’s not something that we can fold into another step like Step Ten, let’s say. It is its own Step. It’s a process by which we make right the wreckage of our past in little bits – little incremental ways – by going out, finding the people we have harmed, who we have hurt, and figuring out a way to make that right.

“What exactly happens to us as we begin to do Step Nine?” As we begin to make amends, what do we discover? The most prominent thing that we find out is what is discussed in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They are called “the promises,” and these 12 promises come to fruition as it says, “If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.” (Pg. 83) What follows that sentence are the promises.

These are the promises that are sustainable. These promises don’t just flick in and flick out as they might earlier in our recovery. Because of changes in us through our actions, we discover that some of these promises are now sustained. They will come about, and they will stay. Not all of them, but many of them. We know that something is happening, but something else must occur to us. During the process of making amends, we begin to recognize how ridiculous or how unworthy our behavior has been. Especially when dealing with other people. Especially in a relationship. We will discover that the context of our relationships has always been, “What can you do for me?” or “This relationship will work out fine as long as you treat me special all the time.” It sounds absurd, but it’s not a unique belief system for someone who is an alcoholic or addict.

We’re “self-centered in the extreme.” (Pg. 24, Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions) We believe that all things happen because of us. We also believe that everything happens to us. We think that we’re not only responsible for but need to control all things around us, so the outcomes are precisely what we believe they should be. When that doesn’t work, which it usually doesn’t, that causes us to fly off the handle. Then we need something to stabilize ourselves, such as alcohol or drugs.

As we start to go out and we really admit where we were wrong, not where we were sorry, but where we were wrong, we understand fully why what we did was wrong. We then earnestly ask what can be done to make it right. We have gained some freedom if we’re willing to do whatever is suggested to make it right. I have a friend who calls the Ninth Step “the freedom train.” He calls it that because by making amends, we are clearing away not only the wreckage of our past but we are clearing away all the things that kept gaining on us before we finally started to work this Step. In our use, we always felt like things were following us, gaining on us. Once we began to do Nine, we started to feel, “Nothing is gaining on me. There’s nothing behind me left undone.”

All we’ve got and need to concentrate on is going forward. What is it we’ve got to do next? This is a profound change in the way we view life. In fact, the very first words of the Promises are, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.” Freedom is the keyword. We’ve walked around in this life, dragging much of our past with us that we do not know how to behave any other way. We don’t even know how to act appropriately in a relationship. We don’t know how to react appropriately around our family. We no longer know how to function correctly around our friends. As we begin to do Step Nine, the confusion about how we behave starts to coalesce and feels more focused.

We will also notice that we feel a little more comfortable in our skin. We don’t feel like an outsider everywhere we go. We feel like we could fit in. We’ve acquired some strategies by which we can fit in. Almost miraculously, we feel more comfortable as human beings even though it may not be our nature to feel comfortable in any crowd or group without something to lubricate it. As we stay sober little by little, we become more adept at practicing these principles because of the steps we have already taken. Our actions are beginning to change our thinking.

Step Nine is a continuous process. It is its own Step. The amends that we make are based on things we did in our past. As we move from Nine to Ten, we are being recommended to continue a process that we learned in Four and Five and are now learning in Eight and Nine. We continue to take a personal inventory, and when we are wrong, we promptly admit it.

It’s time to move forward. Like writing, waiting for the right time to do something will most likely not get it done. That’s why the steps are so profound. The knowing comes from doing and not contemplation of doing.

I’m embarrassed to say that I was sober 14 or 15 years before I finally heard or understood that my Fourth Step inventory was my Eighth Step list. I wish I’d known that before I did my Eighth Step. However, it’s instructive in these ways. The people on my list most likely have been harmed by me in one way or another, and I need to recognize that the harm was almost always generated through some character defect. Whether it be fear or dishonesty or impatience or intolerance, or self-centeredness, at some point in there, one of those defects of character or several of them combined came together to create a situation where I harmed another human being. Now I understand that my character defects, in general, don’t hurt me. My shortcomings of character harm others. My defects of character keep me out of a relationship with others. They mainly keep me out of healthy relationships with others. As a general rule, my character defects do not directly harm me. They poke or hurt other people almost without exception.

When I’m not diligent in my recovery daily and my alcoholism returns, as do my character defects, I start to hurt other people. Every time, no exceptions. And it’s because these defects have not been removed completely. They’ve only been set aside until I feel it’s necessary to use them again. Usually, when I am fearful.

Step Seven is spiritual in that it asks for us to take spiritual action. In Step Three, we make a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. In Step Five, we share our defects of character and the nature of our wrongs with another person, but we also let God know that we knew. We now need to commit ourselves to understanding what we’re turning over. What do our will and our life consist of?

In Step Seven, we are further making good on our decision in Step Three. These objectionable behaviors, these defects of character that we have found out about, that have ruled our lives and made us miserable, we discover they have caused us to hurt other people repeatedly. So we are now committing ourselves to remove them. It’s not like, “Please take away my hurts and little owies.” This is a commitment to turn my will and my life over entirely. If I do this and let go of the need to control things, then my need to have character defects is nonexistent. I will no longer be managing life; I will be living life.

Step Seven is part of a spiritual condition of which the Big Book speaks. It is the constant struggle between my will and God’s will. The Seventh Step and the prayer that I say to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings is the commitment to act out of God’s will rather than react out of my will.

Moving into Step Eight and understanding precisely what the commitment in Seven is all about changes the dynamic of why we’re making this list. Whether we’re using our Fourth Step or starting all over again from whole-cloth using the Fourth Step as a guide, we will undoubtedly add others who we remember being harmed by our behavior. Preparing ourselves to make these amends is to commit to changing the behavior that created the need for the amends. Step Eight isn’t a list of people to whom we need to apologize or say we’re sorry. We don’t go back and say, “Well, I hurt you, but you were mean to me.” That’s not going to work. Instead, it has to do with amending a life incident in which our behavior caused another person distress. It harmed them in some way. It harmed them emotionally. It harmed them physically. It may have harmed them financially. In whatever way it was, we have to offer to make that whole somehow.

When I did these steps, my sponsor said something to me that I didn’t understand at first. I understand it clearly now. What he said to me was, “If you’re not intending to in any way change the behavior that created the need for this amend, then just don’t bother to put it down.” What I thought he was talking about was a parsing of who needed an amends and who didn’t. And what he was actually saying was that this is a commitment to change the way you act. This is a wrong that you’re correcting. Not an incident. Not a bad mistake. Not an error in judgment. This is a wrong. When you create wrongs, it’s from a place of misguided or defective character. When you wish to correct that behavior and not ever do it again, then you are ready to make that amends. Because you can close the door and make whole what was wrong and eventually close the door on that behavior saying, “I’m never going to do that behavior again.”

I’m not sure if I’ve said everything I need to say about Step Eight. I think I made my point regarding what happens in Seven that leads to Eight. And how that informs the preparation of Step Eight – making a list of all persons and then becoming willing to make amends to them all. After reading Step Eight is the point where often we’re told the story of three columns. The people we’re willing to make amends to right away. The people that we know we need to make amends to, but we want to put it off until the last possible moment. And then there’s the third column which is the “no way in hell” will we make amends to that person. If anything, they owe amends to us, etc., etc., etc.

The truth is a little more nuanced. There aren’t really three solid columns. Some people fall into areas between those columns. During the first few experiences in making amends, at least appropriately making amends, one may find that the results are not what they had dreaded. That magnifying mind of ours tells us that it will be horrible, that the person will ask us to do things we don’t want to do. I suggested to my sponsor that I was worried that somebody might ask me to paint their house to make amends. My sponsor looked askance and said, “Well, are you a house painter?” And I said, “No.” And he said, “Well, then, why in the hell would they ask you to paint their house?”

These irrational beliefs are the kind of nonsense someone going through this for the first time will make up in their minds. This is why it’s critical that this step, in particular, as with all the steps, have guidance. Guidance is the most vital aspect of working the Steps. You cannot do this by yourself. You need either a sponsor or a mentor, or a spiritual leader. Someone who can help you traverse the minefield that your mind creates for these steps. It’s about how horrible it’s going to be, and if I do this, then this will happen, and if I don’t do this, then this will happen. The sponsor is not emotionally attached to all the craziness in your head. They have been through it themselves in a way that suggests that some of the things we’re thinking are also the things they believed. So that they can actually relate to it and help re-guide or redirect the individual back on the road to getting into recovery without stepping in something or breaking a leg.