Category: 12 Steps

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12 Steps Addiction Recovery Sobriety Substance Use Disorder Substance Use Disorders

Wrong Isn’t a Mistake

Step 10:

Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Do you repeat previous mistakes?

I won’t say that I don’t. If I continually made the same mistakes, that would strongly indicate my unwillingness to change. Many know the accepted definition of “insanity” as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. For me, insanity is knowing things need to change, but I don’t have to.

Examples of mistakes are typos in a term paper or making reservations for the wrong night. Behavior that continues to hurt other people isn’t a mistake. It’s wrong. A person in their addiction does nothing but hurt other people. A person in recovery has to be done with all that.

It’s not about repeating mistakes. It’s about changing everything within ourselves that puts others in the crosshairs of our behavior.

What does admitting you’re wrong look like?

Admitting a wrong is a stronger and hopefully more lasting action than apologizing for an error in judgment or a momentary slip of the tongue. This is taking on an attitude or behavior that may be present for a lifetime that now needs to change. This is about the possible damage this attitude or behavior has caused that needs to be repaired, if possible. When this is the case, saying “I’m sorry” doesn’t cut it.

When I admit that what I have done is wrong and ask what I can do to make it right, I am ready to never commit that wrong again. This is the change we are looking for. This is the growth that only comes from this tranfiguring action.

In the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, a sentence optimizes what is addressed when admitting a wrong.

“It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.”

Like most things in this program, the solution is simple. But the willingness and the process are difficult. Sacrifice is required. In this case, the ego must be replaced. Since ego is just a barrier we use to keep people from knowing who we truly are, its replacement with openness actually allows our self-esteem to rise.

How does it look different when you do it to different people?

If you do it “promptly” as it suggests, there doesn’t need to be any stratification. People for whom we have little or no emotional attachment will be easier to admit wrong than those we do have feelings for, like our family. But there shouldn’t be a difference. Remember, admitting a wrong is how we get right.

When you are upset, the question should always be, “What am I going to do?” It’s not what others should do but what I should do to get un-upset. This is often when we struggle with our egos. The need to be right is just another delusional aspect of having control.

I must reveal that I often admit I’m wrong even when I’m uncertain whether I’m right or wrong. I have found that in these situations, there is little to gain in fighting to be right. For me, admitting I’m wrong and moving on is just easier and less stressful.

Do people take advantage of your openness?

I hope so.

How often do you practice this step? 

If I’m smart, I practice it daily. This one and the next two steps as well. I call Step 10 the “get un-upset step.” I know that if I’m feeling disturbed or upset, I need to figure out why. The answer isn’t in what someone did. The answer is, “Why am I upset?”

I can always find something in my core that reacts badly. It’s always some defect of character that I’m still whittling away at. Once I know what it is, I can do what I need to do to get un-upset. Meditation, reading, listening to music, taking a walk, talking to a friend, or writing a blog – like this one.

I originally posted this a couple of years ago, but I realized I had only partially answered the first question before I posted. I’m glad I got to revisit it and finish it.

Categories
12 Steps Addiction Recovery Sobriety Substance Use Disorder Substance Use Disorders

Something Always Happens

bellows-fight

I’ve sat down to write this blog on more than two occasions, and something always happens. This doesn’t explain almost a year hiatus, but it encompasses some of it. As in life, I like to be armed with an impressive array of excuses.

Continuing on…

A Series of Questions

A quick update about where we left off and where we are now.

During the development of modules to introduce the 12 steps to those in treatment, the content creators sent me a series of questions about my experience with the 12-Step program. What follows is a semblance of how I answered these questions. I have taken the liberty of “updating” some of my answers where appropriate.

Did/do your friends, significant other, or family “get” the 12-step program?

Unless a person is working on their own recovery in a 12-step program, it is unlikely that they will be able to fully understand or “get” the program.  It’s the “unorganized” and “disconnected” nature of the fellowship that leads to claims of cult or religion and general confusion. This same sort of confusion is what faces someone new to the program.

Adding to this confusion are the three legs of the AA stool. They are as follows: the “fellowship” which is made up of the scheduled meetings, the socialization, and what’s sometimes called “sober fun,” then there is the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous,  which contains the program of recovery or what one speaker I heard call “the open secret,” finally there are the 12 Steps themselves which are the basic guidelines used to bring about a “spiritual awakening.” 

Probably the greatest reason for others outside the program not to “get it” is they don’t need to. The hard truth is that the 12-steps are for those who want it, not necessarily those who need it. If a person isn’t in crisis (or even if he or she is), it’s unlikely that the suggestions of the program will be of interest. I would make the analogy that it is unlikely that a person would care how to inflate a life raft until they needed it. A critical element of 12-step recovery is the ability to identify.

Please describe the 12-step program to me.

This may be the hardest question in the bunch. Years ago, two men met up in Akron, Ohio. One of the men didn’t want to start drinking again, and the other man couldn’t stop. Together they started what later became Alcoholics Anonymous. The man who didn’t want to start drinking was a stock speculator from New York City. The other man was a physician from Akron. Truthfully, they couldn’t have been more different if they tried, but many today believe they were brought together by divine Providence.

When the son of the physician spoke many years later at an AA convention, he articulated their differences best.

“If Bill had had his way, he would have franchised this thing like McDonalds. If my dad had had his way, we’d still be meeting in my parent’s living room in Akron.”

Robert “Bob” Smith II

Everyone at that meeting is now gone, and what was said between the two men was never revealed. What was revealed was that for the first time, rather than talking about bright lights and spiritual experiences, Bill Wilson simply talked about his drinking and recovery with another person. The result was the other person, Dr. Bob Smith, was finally able to stop drinking. After that meeting, these two men decided to keep trying to help other men who suffered as they had.

As both men had connections with the Oxford Group, a religious movement popular in the 1930s, they found some of the guides from that program helpful. The group touted the Four Absolutes. They were absolute honesty, absolute unselfishness, absolute purity, and absolute love. They soon realized that most alcoholics were resistant to the idea of “absolute anything.” They needed a simpler approach which they found among the tenets of the Oxford Group.

The basic tenets of the Oxford Group were:

  • A complete deflation
  • Dependence on God
  • A Moral Inventory
  • Confession
  • Restitution
  • Continued work with others in need

 

Categories
12 Steps Addiction Recovery Sobriety Substance Use Disorders

Innocent Questions

Continuing with the questions. To verify, these questions were posed to someone in recovery who also worked with people seeking recovery. The answers reflect the writer’s experience, strength, and hope and the professional’s “observational opinion.” How do you like that for equivocation?

Are the 12 steps excessively structured, formulaic, spiritual, outdated, or a punch line?

I think the answer to all those questions is yes. It further depends on who is making the observation. As to the steps being “excessively structured,” my response would be that their structure is certainly excessively interpreted and explained. Sometimes the steps are referred to as a “simple program for complicated people.” They are indeed a “formula” designed to direct the person seeking help to the same result as the first 100 men and women — a spiritual awakening.

The steps are “spiritual” because they are profound. They are not concepts as much as conceptions which change as the person using them changes. They were written in 1939, but to say they are outdated is often an attempt to cast doubt on their efficacy. Those who choose to characterize the 12-steps in this way are either unsatisfied with a previous attempt at getting and staying sober in the way suggested in the book Alcoholics Anonymous or are looking for some definitive scientific explanation to the problem, which must, in turn, have a scientific solution.

It must say something about the durability of a program that when the term “12-Step” is used in books, television, or film, it is generally recognized for what it is, whether it is being used in earnest or as a “punch line.”

How did the 12 steps change the direction of your life?

Because the steps are a process by their very nature, the change is more like a slow transformation. It’s less about changing a direction than providing a direction. It may be said that the people in the midst of their addiction believe they have a direction, but like many things in the alcoholic/addict’s life, that direction is filled with delusion.

From the beginning, maybe even before my first drink, I was acting and reacting in ways that impacted my brain. Of course, science wasn’t on to these facts in the 50s and 60s. In fact, it wasn’t common knowledge even in the late 80s when I got sober. While in treatment, I learned I couldn’t think my way into different behavior. I could only act my way into different thinking. Twenty years later, science backed up a conjecture that had been recovery canon for decades.

My addiction had literally hijacked my brain. As a result, my solution to every problem or issue was to drink myself unconscious. I had a toolbox for fixing life’s problems, but it was full of hammers. Didn’t matter what the issue was; I hit it with a hammer.

In 1938 or 39, Bill Wilson came up with a solution to that problem. He put together a set of steps that were essentially small actions a person could take that eventually, over time, would change the way they thought. As a result, recovery for me is in my daily actions. It has almost nothing to do with what I think, feel, believe, or have an opinion about. It is all about what I do.

Today, the direction of my life is summed up in Step 11, Part Two. “…praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.” If it’s in front of me to do that’s God’s will for me. I need no more directions than that.

This next question is really posed to a person with clinical experience, but I’m going to answer it as someone in recovery and with clinical experience.

If someone is diagnosed with a co-occurring disorder and taking prescribed medications such as anti-depressants, does this mean they’re not fully using their higher power? Are they really still working the 12 steps?

There is a lot of controversy and misinformation regarding this issue. AA has no opinion on outside issues. This is an example of why. The ridiculous notion that a person taking anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication that is not mood-altering is not “sober” or “clean” has somehow taken on a life of its own.

Mostly this is the result of program people, generally those who have been in recovery for many years, not believing the diagnosis of the person taking the medication. It is their belief that the person is just seeking to continue to use and using the diagnosis of anxiety or depression to justify this action.

Over the years, a lot of work has been done to dispel this nonsense, especially by those who suffer from those conditions attaining long-term recovery and carrying a message regarding this to others. Unfortunately, those who have returned to using because they weren’t able to manage their mood disorder through medication is astoundingly high.

If you are one of those who uses a chemical mood-stabilizing intervention, listen to no one but your prescribing physician regarding its use. People in 12-Step programs are well meaning people and even if they have some experience to share, they are not your prescriber. Part of recovery is being responsible. Make sure you are looking after yourself.

What step are you currently on?

I like this question, but I can’t remember the last time someone asked me that what step I was on. What I do know is that at any time during a day, I am probably “on a step” as a way of reacting to the things which are in front of me.

I wrote an article some years ago called, We’ve Got A Step For That. It’s premise was that most of the recovering person’s day-to-day issues could be dealt with through the program.

People newly in recovery will often come running to their sponsor with some problem they feel certain is unique to them. The sponsor will then direct them to some portion of the program designed in 1939 to deal with this “one of a kind” problem. This may also be why the phrase, “Keep coming back” is so popular.

What was your hardest step? Why?

This question is as “time specific” as the previous question. What was hard in the first 30 to 90 days of recovery is different than what step may present the greatest ongoing challenge today. This is also what makes the steps “profound.” Their definitions continue to change as the person changes in their recovery.

If the 12 steps are tools, what did they uncover or unlock in you? Any enlightenments?

This is a key understanding that can get lost in all the discussion of the steps. If you look at the steps closely, Steps One and Two are information, Step Three is a call to action, Steps Four through Nine, are the actions, and Steps Ten through Twelve are the continuous action of the previous six steps.

Did you have any unique experiences with a step? Funny, weird, unexpected?

It’s my experience that most of the stories you hear regarding “unique experiences” have to do with either Step One or Step Nine. The first is usually stories of those in dire straits who are saved by finding AA or someone in the fellowship who leads them into the idea of a new way of life. In the stories that “disclose in a general way” this would be classified as “what happened.”

Any steps you thought you understood but in hindsight you REALLY understand now?

All of them and none of them. I have referenced this earlier in some of the things I’ve written. I don’t think it is possible to fully understand the steps. It boils down to having an interpretation of the steps that helps you here and now. Early in my recovery the steps were something I “did.” As I’ve stayed sober longer the steps are what I have “become.”

Did you find instant results in the 12 steps?

NO. I found gradual results, on a daily basis, that precipitated long-term change. The steps were a part of that process. I needed to work the steps in order to achieve a spiritual experience, but the results in my life while doing that were varied and incremental.

Categories
12 Steps Addiction Recovery Sobriety Substance Use Disorders

We’re not done yet.

67975368_2671800222840639_7734767978725507072_nI know. It’s been awhile. It’s been a long while. Since last posting in September of 2020, a lot of things have happened… to all of us.

I won’t rehash the obvious things. I will report that in this span of time I successfully completed my MFA in Creative Writing from Oregon State University-Cascades. I can’t guarantee this will improve the prose written here, but I am using shorter sentences.

I can’t tell you how much I enjoy writing this blog. I’m afraid there is an embarrassingly small number of followers. I know how to talk about the Steps and about Recovery. I’m not so great at self-promotion.

Anyway, I shall now move on to the next set of steps. If you’ve forgotten, we are looking at the connections between each step, not at their traditional junctures, but where one set of Steps meets the next set of Steps.

For this next discussion, I will be posting smaller sections (five in all) but with considerably less time in between. 

Steps Seven and Eight

We’re ready to talk about Steps Seven and Eight. I’ve written about the space between Step Six and Step Seven and how there is so little about these two steps in the Big Book. Referring to page 75, the Big Book talks about returning home and spending an hour reflecting on whether we were thorough about our Fifth Step. At that particular moment, becoming entirely ready to have all these defects of character removed seems like a challenge for which we may not be prepared. Years can pass in the space between these steps.

We move then to “humbly” asking Him to remove our shortcomings. In the first edition manuscript, it should be noted that it said, “humbly, on our knees” and then asked God to remove our shortcomings. “On our knees” was removed because that wasn’t the kind of humility we believed we could deal with. It felt too much like an order. It also says something about where we are at that particular moment when we are asking, in prayer, for Him to remove our shortcomings. We want God to remove all these defects of character. When we ask that, what exactly is our state of mind? Are we feeling humble? Are we ready to embrace sweeping changes in our attitudes and behaviors? Or are we merely asking because that appears to be the next thing we’re supposed to be doing?

Why we are doing something is an important question. When we go between Step Six and Step Seven, the combo we talk about in meetings, we do Step Six, then Step Seven. We race through this. What I mean is we merely discuss it. We ask God to remove our shortcomings, and then we merrily move on. I’ll ask again, precisely what is our state of mind? The word “humbly” really articulates better than anything else what our state of mind should be when moving from Seven to Eight. Our objective at this particular point is to be less than self-centered. We probably need to go back if we are still more than self-centered or even self-centered. There’s just no getting around that. The efficacy of our amends, or at least the action of making the list, is dependent on our sense of humility. Are we humble? Are we finding a sense of humility? Are we finding comfort in who we are becoming? Do we have a sense of serenity about how we move on?

Those of us who have been around know that the promises or what are called “The Promises” get bandied around a lot in meetings. They are quoted in meetings. They are read in meetings. Sometimes they are printed on the wall. Mentioning the “Promises” gives people solace about deciding to come to a meeting. The words suggest that a person’s life is profoundly changed. What is often not clarified is that the “promises” as articulated in the Big Book have to do with moving forward with a Step of which the newcomer hasn’t even been made aware. That is the Step that follows Step Eight. We still have an awful lot of work to do before we get to that Step. We have a lot of preparation to do. Not only preparation in terms of making a list, but we also have much spiritual preparation.

We “humbly” asked God to remove our shortcomings. Take away all our defects of character. Anybody with experience knows it doesn’t happen instantaneously but over time. We discovered that we could replace those defects of character with something else. Fear needed courage. Dishonesty needed honesty, impatience needed patience, intolerance required tolerance, and self-centeredness required us to look outside of ourselves and help others. I don’t know anyone who could get down on their knees, pray to God, and have those character defects replaced immediately. There may be people who fall into that category, but I’m not one of them. The desire to have our character defects removed needs to be in our mind as we travel between Seven and Eight. We must understand what needs to happen in Seven that informs what we do in Eight?

I have defects of character that are ingrained in me at my core. They are behaviors that show up first. Not after moments of contemplation. Not after counting to ten or taking a deep breath. They are my initial reaction to almost everything, as I have an alcoholic filter in my brain. Everything runs through that filter before taking action. Many of the feelings, emotions, opinions, and experiences I have, those things I have been using to navigate life, are filled with these character defects. I will find if I am dishonest, and I am, lying comes back pretty quickly when the pressure is on. It’s not like suddenly, I’m pure as the driven snow, and my nose will grow if I tell a lie. On the other hand, I am not wholly unable to tell a lie. Some lies will be more difficult to tell, but not all lies.

I will be fearful a lot. Fear paralyzes me. Fear is a character defect I’ve lived with longer than any other one. The other ones turn out to be devices by which I manage my fear. I won’t move forward in any meaningful way until I better understand how fear controls me. These defects control my life and the way I react. I do not have a good handle on this area of my life — how I react to things. Fear is at the very core of that. The other areas, my self-centeredness, my intolerance, and impatience, are all just ancillary reactions or behaviors. At their core, they have to do with fear. This is why fear is dominant among all the defects of character. I don’t even know what I’m afraid of most of the time. But, at my gut level, I know that something stops me from moving forward or making the right decision, or reacting appropriately.

I would love it if there were some magic incantation or ritual or something where I could take all of my defects of character and load them into some sort of container and either send it into outer space or burn it to a crisp or throw it into the ocean and have it be gone. But that sort of thing is not real. It’s metaphorical. I can metaphorically put my thoughts and defects on paper and put them on a balloon, and let them fly away. But that doesn’t take them away. Not really. It’s all just a show.

If I remain committed to how these defects of character have become “objectionable” to me (Pg. 76), then over time, I will begin to see myself practicing these defects of character less often. I don’t believe I will ever completely eliminate them. Not until I’m dead. They are so core to who I am that I have to be cautious and conscious of their existence almost all the time. Through the actions that I take over time, I may begin to change these behaviors. My first excursion into changing those behaviors has to be the next two steps.

Categories
12 Steps Recovery

The Spaces Between the Steps – Continued

Several days after the previous blog entry was posted, my wife died. Although very sudden and unexpected, there was some inevitability about it as well. Naturally, I am grieving this loss and my plan to post something on the topic of “The Spaces Between The Steps” each month was shelved.

I did continue to work on the workshop and presented it over this past weekend.

It was clear I had written more than could be conceivably presented in a three-day, twelve hour workshop. I am returning to my plan and will continue posting these writings here. For those who have responded, thanks for your wonderful comments.

PART II – Step Three and Four

Coming into Step Three there should be something about the dichotomy of “Decision” vs. “Action” in this step and how confusing that is. I have always found confusion between the writings in the “Big Book” and The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions.

In one place, it seems to be hinting at a jumping off place between decision and action (the Big Book, pg 64) in the “12 & 12” it uses the word “action” to describe this step (pg 34). Now is where some confusion begins and the need for some real clarity in this area. Some camps will adhere to the idea that Step Three is “just a decision,” like making a decision to mow the lawn or take a trip to visit relatives. Nothing happens with those “decisions” unless followed by an action. Is the action the Third Step Prayer (pg. 63) or is it the Fourth Step (a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Pg 64)?

The other group, those that adhere to 12 & 12 interpretation will see Step Three as the “action of a decision.” In other words, we take Step Three, ergo, that’s the action. Let’s take a look at this step a little more clearly. In previous places I have started to take a harder, more reasoned look at the information as presented in the 12 & 12.

In the very beginning paragraphs it is clear that ACTION is the key word. It refers to the first two steps as “reflection” and that they “did not require action; they required only acceptance.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg. 34) It goes on to say that like the remaining steps this step called for “affirmative action.”

That seems pretty definitive, but let’s take a look at how the Big Book tackles this same thing. Although not as direct, the Big Book also uses many allusions to actions to take not the least of which is the Third Step Prayer. But in this place there is also the scenario of the actor who wants to direct the show. There is also the talk about ego and self-centeredness and how these two things are core to the alcoholic’s problems. This is some of the transitional information used in the Big Book. Twice in Chapter Five it is stated that we are “at Step Three.” The first time is within the first few pages of  “How It Works” and second time is right before the Third Step Prayer. The starting section of this chapter is often read at meetings as a way of introducing people to the Twelve Steps where they originally appeared in print. The reading will generally end with the “three pertinent ideas.” The next words following that sequence read, “Being convinced–we were at Step Three” I think this represents the “decision” part of the story.

There is some very instructive and necessary parts of the book that follow. The concept of the “Actor” is right on the heels of this and must be in reference to the idea of self-will versus God’s will. This story needs to be told if the person reading the book will ever find the need to take the action that’s recommended.

By the time we get to this area, we need to be in a place of some conviction because what has been suggested in Step Three becomes very difficult to embrace fully. It has a few implications that mere humans may balk at. It is often believed that the actions such as inventory and making amends are what keep people away from recovery and while an argument could be made to support that, it’s probably the implications of the Third Step that provides the greatest obstacle for many.

Let’s investigate the wording, and therefore, interpretation of this step. It may be the most misunderstood step by those coming into recovery through 12-step intervention. It is not the first “God” reference per se and the use of that word is just one of its barriers.

If you’ve been in recovery for a while you may have had the experience of having to return to this step multiple times because of the phenomenon of taking back control or “taking it back” in more common parlance. This step is described in the Big Book as “the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.” Pg. 62 As has been pointed out in reference to this illustration, the keystone is essential to the arch. It is fundamental to the arch’s construction. So fundamental in fact that the arch could not exist without it.

I don’t know how many times I heard that very information and thought to myself, “an arch isn’t the only kind of doorway there is.” This is how the newly sober begin their interpretation of things. And because there doesn’t appear to be any real action needed here, the importance of the step as a way to lasting sobriety seems tentative.

In the 12 and 12, the importance of Step Three as a “keystone” is articulated in a different but just as impactful way.

“Then it is explained that other Steps of the AA program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial.” Pg. 40

This brings home the fact that Step Three, fully taken, is absolutely key to moving forward.

What the step has in terms of interpretation is further hindered by the introduction of the “G” word. The truth is, the full intention of the Step isn’t obtainable even as an understandable conception because of being stopped at this point. The mind is a funny thing. Whenever we hear something objectionable or that we don’t agree with we will tune out or completely ignore whatever comes next. We become focused on the “negative” information and become incapable of hearing information which either clarifies or expands upon what we may object to.

I think this happens with this step. I believe that’s what happened to me. The “G” word stopped me in my tracks and I was completely incapable of hearing anything to redirect my attention. I also believe that this phenomenon went on for several years and may have actually blocked my progress. I wasn’t capable of seeing the importance of this step as I moved through the other steps.

I have shared the absurd interpretations of this Step at other times, but I don’t think it was until a few years ago that I began to appreciate the full import of this step. What I know today and try to impart every chance I get is that you do not have to “know’ anything in order to do this step, That’s the fact for the first three steps. So often at meetings one will hear people struggling with how they get stopped at this step.

There are several ways to get stopped at this step. The first is by not “at once” moving on to the next step. What’s the delay? Most likely fear of the task at hand will delay most people — but I believe that absence of a full understanding of Step Three can also create a barrier. There may be many people in AA who go for years sometimes without completing a thorough Fourth and Fifth Step. This often means they are perched [William White refers to this as “precariously perched”] on the edge of Three waiting for some “miracle” to push them forward. Unfortunately, it’s often the lack of that miracle that pushes them off backward rather than forward.

When looking at the space between Three and Four we may be unaware of the “leap of faith” we are taking. The reason we become more transformed by this process when we do it continuously is because the presence of action with the absence of thinking creates the objective and eliminates the barrier.

The Steps accommodate change when there is no resistance to anything suggested. Step Three represents that first, major suggestion that requires a commitment (and faith) to doing, believing, thinking something different. The barrier to this presents when the individual is not ready to do, believe or, think something different and will literally put up a fight to maintain their own “status quo.”

There are a variety of names for this; in denial, resistant to change, unmotivated, precontemplative to name a few. A term used in the Big Book is most compelling, “convinced” the opposite of which is “unconvinced.”

[Alcoholics Anonymous, pg. 12, pg. 30, pg. referred to earlier pg. 64, pg. 71, pg. 96, pg. 107, pg. 133, pg. 135 (see pg. 40)]

The word “convinced” is in the Big Book no less than a dozen times, and for an author who was loath to use the same word over and over, this word seems to convey a particular state for a person to become ready to change. There is a poster with an anonymous quote on it that states, “Mostly people change, not because they see the light, but because they feel the heat.” I’ve always believed that to be fairly accurate, but what the word convinced connotes is a more reasoned, rational process not one of sudden conversion.

The truth is, being convinced that things are bad or things need to change may not always be enough for someone to take action to change. The dichotomy of change is something not easily understood. I think sometimes we are drawn in to the thought that because it is a “common problem” there has to be a “common solution” and there no doubt is — but the paths to that solution are as varied and individual as the number of people seeking the solution.

Categories
12 Steps Addiction Recovery Sobriety Substance Use Disorder Substance Use Disorders

The Blog Begins…

I’ve had a lot of people tell me, “You should write a blog.” These are the same people that told me, “You should write a book.” Today, when I mention to people, “I’m thinking about writing a blog” they look at me and say, “That’s a great idea.” That’s what they say, but their look says, “Yeah, go ahead. Who’s going to read it? Everybody’s writing a blog. I’m not going to write a blog. You go ahead.” So, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. 
 
I have no idea if this is following appropriate blog protocol or whether if violates some arcane 12-step rule, but I’m just going to write whatever pops into my head about whatever is going on. Since a great deal of my life has to do with recovery, that’s generally what I will be writing about. I don’t use social media (Facebook, Twitter, etc.) to talk about my own personal recovery. I don’t even celebrate sobriety dates there. I know some people do and that’s what works for them.
 
Over the last few years, I’ve become fascinated with the conception of the addict/alcoholic as a hero. Each person suffering from addiction makes a Hero’s Journey. Some make it into recovery and many do not. Those reading this may relate. Many of us have heard “It’s the journey, not the destination.” For those who have suffered the alternative life of the active alcoholic or addict, this journey can be harrowing, terrifying and virtually death defying.
For those who have made it to recovery we’re still on a journey, but it becomes more manageable day by day. We’re on this journey every minute of every day. Not always conscious of the journey. We take it as it is, accepting what comes and living in constant anticipation of what’s ahead. Those in recovery seem to need a little more help with not only their realization of the journey but with their course as well.
 
Sadly, alcoholics and addicts spend a large portion of their lives guessing what “normal” is. We believe we’re supposed to. If we are fortunate enough to find recovery, we will spend the rest of our lives making little course corrections to our journey of life to stay even. Each day the alcoholic or addict stays clean and sober he or she is beating the odds by an astronomical amount. It takes courage and commitment to do that day in and day out. It truly is The Hero’s Journey.
It isn’t hard to convince an alcoholic or addict that he or she is being heroic. We are by our very nature grandiose. It’s more difficult to understanding that one must prepare each day for the journey ahead. For many addicted individuals that journey continues to be arduous.
 
Because I’ve started this project through the lens of the hero’s journey I will share a story of my own. This isn’t from the “early days of my sobriety” it’s from what’s happening right now as I write these words. It’s a story that serves to remind me that I’m still on the journey of recovery even though I haven’t had a drink or used a mood-altering substance in many, many years.
 
To put this in context, I’ve moved a lot. Over nearly 30 years I’ve moved approximately 10 times. That averages one move every three years. This may not be a lot for some, but personally it’s a lot for me. As I have attempted to navigate an ongoing program of recovery over that same period I can say that moving this often has created challenges for this alcoholic.
 
Because we want them to succeed, there is a lot of advice given to the newcomer regarding what to do early in the recovery process. You’ll hear things like “Go to 90 meetings in 90 days.” Or “find a home group and find a sponsor and start working the steps.” And mostly because “we have no opinions on outside issues” and “ought never be organized” pretty much every newcomer who puts himself or herself out there will get an “opinion” about how they ought to “organize” their program of recovery.
 
What I don’t see so much is any “opinions,” or more importantly any experience for “long timers” who find themselves moving around and ending up in different places. I can tell you from personal experience that AA is not the same “all over the world.” As a matter of fact, it can differ from county to county and city to city. Is it fundamentally the same from place to place? I would say yes. This is fortunate. For if we want the “I am responsible…” commitment to remain vital, AA’s fundamentals need to remain vital as well.
 
So, what about the guy who moves around? Starting over in a new place is really a challenge especially for someone who has been sober for a while and has established a strong support group in his home area. It’s possible to maintain some support long distance, but eventually that’s going to become inconvenient and less and less effective in helping the alcoholic remain properly centered. You need a recovery program close to where your feet are.
What are the inherent differences between meetings and what are the things that could potentially trip me up? (read that as “stop going to meetings.”) First, the people aren’t right. I know, that sounds simplistic but let’s work it through. You go to a meeting in a place you’ve never been before. Maybe it’s on the same night you used to go to your home group meeting. It could be at a church or an Alano Club or in the basement of a travel agency. It’s all pretty much the same for your first meeting in your new location.
 
When I watch television shows or movies where characters go to meetings there is always a good group of people hanging around talking before the meeting starts and the drunks are always straight out of Central Casting. Usually the same age as the character and sporting a similar history. Now in reality, this first meeting in your new place won’t be like that. When you arrive there might be one or two people setting up chairs, making coffee and putting out Big Books or other literature. One or both may greet you, ask you a few questions like, “where you from?” or “is this your first meeting?”
Once they find out you’re not new and have been around for a while, they’ll welcome you and then move on with their work. As the meeting time nears you take your place or seat anywhere in the configuration. Other people will filter in and eventually the meeting will begin. In this first part of the meeting is where many of the true differences will occur. Some will have readings. This can vary in complexity and length from anything between the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to a couple of pages shy of the first 164 pages of the Big Book.
 
Make no mistake, this scenario is in no way characteristic of all AA meetings but merely serves as a possibility when facing the prospect of starting over in a new location. One of the other realities that may need to be faced is that in some areas of the country there just aren’t that many meetings. Remote, rural areas often depend on a few hardy individuals and their “pigeons” to carry the message from small town to small town. I’ve got such strong admiration for the guys who do that and their additional commitment to making sure that whenever someone needs a meeting there is a meeting at the time and place listed in the meeting directory. 
 
My experience with “starting over” and going to new meetings is mixed. I should point out that the “mixed” refers to me as I’m the common denominator in all these experiences. Here’s my personal timeline. I got sober in Chicago (after spending 31 days in Tucson, AZ), I moved to Los Angeles at nine months (after a two month stopover in western Illinois for summer stock), at three years and some months I moved back to Chicago, at seven years I moved to Des Moines, IA, at 16 years I moved to Mankato, MN, at 18 years I moved to Hopkins, MN, and then at 22 years and some months I moved to White Bear Lake, MN. A month before my 29-year anniversary, I moved to Bend, Oregon where I have been for over a year. Each of these moves has taught me something about myself and how perilous it is for this alcoholic to navigate his sobriety alone.
 
Several years ago, I had the opportunity to tell my story of near calamity in the Grapevine. That story had its genesis in one of these moves. Because I’ve had the chance to move a few more times since that event I have also had the chance to develop a “multi-function” tool to add to my toolbox that addresses this very thing. There are several things a person can do if they find themselves in a situation like this. 
Let me start by saying, “You most likely won’t ‘fit in’ at the first meeting you go to.” As with most of the examples I give, this may not always be the case, but as a student of human nature and the dynamics of the alcoholic’s ego these examples will resonate often. We really do want to be accepted and feel easily rejected by the smallest or most insignificant gesture by someone else.
 
We have been the person handing out this slight without even realizing it. Every time we focus on our friends at meetings we run the potential of ignoring the new person. This is particularly true for those who may be suffering but don’t look like they are. One of the inherent problems with being the “not new” newcomer is just that, I’m not new. Not like the newcomer who is the lifeblood of the group, the alcoholic who is looking for a solution early in sobriety. You’re the “new in town” newcomer that nobody knows what to do with.
 
After making a move a few years go to a place in which we would spend the next four years, I set out to “find my meetings.” I was very committed to not repeating the substantial emotional and spiritual drubbing I had taken the last time I moved and didn’t feel “welcomed” enough in my new community to sustain a commitment to my own sobriety. Big mistake!
 
There was one meeting at a local club a short distance from my home that met on Wednesday night. I went for several weeks and tried my hardest to fit in, but I just didn’t seem to fit in at all. I could have “let it go” and found another meeting, but I wasn’t going to let what happened before happen again. I “kept coming back.” One evening after several weeks my wife said to me, “You can’t go to that meeting anymore.” I said, “Why not?” She responded by taking a reasoned pause and saying, “Because you’re worse when you get home than when you leave.”
 
It was true. I had been working so hard to “fit in” and not feeling very successful I was bringing my frustration home with me. I was acting all superior because, “Look at me. I’m going to meetings like I’m supposed to and not being appropriately recognized for the effort.” Gee, I must still be exhibiting some grandiosity.
Now I must confess that I was willing to blame the location we had moved to, with the support of my wife I might add, for exhibiting some substantial parochial barriers that may prove too difficult to overcome. But the very next week a member of the group asked if I would do a lead on the Ninth Step for the meeting. I eagerly agreed and had an opportunity to share a little something about myself with the group. Problem solved. It seemed like after that I was fully accepted in that group. I was invited to do things with them and it began to feel as if I had found my “home group.”
 
This wasn’t the only group I had gone to during these early weeks and months. One of the most exciting things about being back in a metropolitan area was the access to a wide range of meetings every day. It had been a while since I’d been able to really pick and choose a meeting or meetings to try.
I first identified a meeting place in my town where there were noon meetings six days a week, Monday through Saturday. Because of my work, I went to the Saturday meeting. These meetings were held in the back room of an old train depot that had been converted into a coffee shop that was owned by the local school district.
 
This place offered its own set of challenges. For one, the only thing between the meeting and the rest of the coffee shop clientele was a large, thick curtain. This wasn’t a soundproof curtain. Every time the barista ground the espresso beans you’d lose some element of the group member’s story. Despite this little anomaly, the meeting became very popular and was often standing room only.
Another meeting I attended in my first month at my new location lead to finding another meeting. There is a very large and very popular Friday night speaker meeting in my home area. It was at this meeting that I heard a speaker mention his home group as a Monday night Men’s Group and he invited any guys looking for a meeting to come on over and visit.
 
I took that invitation seriously and went to his meeting the next Monday night, three days later. This was an all men’s meeting that had been together for over 25 years and most of the attendees had been coming to the meeting for that long. They automatically broke up into groups after an initial lead where the members could choose between a step group and a topic group. They had a way of greeting the newcomer that was led by members with long-term sobriety. Several members would volunteer to conduct a Step One group for the newcomer. It was very impressive having a wide variety of sober experience in one group passing on their experience, strength and hope to the newcomer.
 
In truth, I’ve begun to think about the fact that there are newcomers at every meeting (hopefully) and that in the end this is the grandest thing about the weekly meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. It’s generally my own self-centeredness that creates the greatest barrier. It’s not about whether I fit in, but rather what am I doing to help the alcoholic who still suffers. I have often experienced the feeling when trying to help a newcomer of not being very effective. This has continued to be a problem for me, but again this is at its core the product of my own self-centeredness. If I truly embrace and understand the concept of powerlessness I would also see that I do the footwork and the outcome is out of my hands. The resistant newcomer is just that, a resistant newcomer.
In my next installment (if there is one) I’m going to talk about what strategies I have used to stay sober as I have continued to move from place to place.
 
Take good care.