Month: September 2023

I know it’s not the end because of the life I get to lead today. Rather than “hanging it up” and finding a good place to sit, I keep throwing myself into the nearest swirl.

The play I directed closed last Sunday, and I am learning lines for a small show I’m performing in November. While that is going on, I need to find a Choreographer, Assistant Director, Stage Manager, Costume Designer, and set builder before I head into my next directing project.

The icing on all of this is I occasionally get to write here as well as work on the novel I started while getting my MFA. I’m close to the end, but everything isn’t alright.

Step 8:

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

How big was your list?

My list was made approximately three years after doing my first 4th and 5th Steps. It was years later before I learned that this list was written when I did my 4th Step. Because that’s not the way I did it, I still have difficulty seeing how that’s my list. I made the list from “scratch” and made plans to make direct amends. I utilized my sponsor heavily for a large portion of this step. The list was not big, but I was very clear about what I needed to do and with whom.

The other thing I did was have a sponsor who was assiduous in pointing out when I wasn’t thinking clearly. This sponsor also gave me some of the best direction I’ve had since I’ve been in this program.

As I started to make this list, he said, “If you are not intending to change the behavior that led to the need for this amend, don’t bother to put it down.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant at first. It had the feel of a Zen riddle. In pondering the meaning, I asked him to repeat it.

More emphatically – as in, listen stupid! “If you have no intention of changing or are, in fact, unaware of the behavior that caused you to need to make this amend, then don’t put it down on the list.”

Of course, I kept hearing, “…don’t put it down on the list.” This felt like some kind of loophole. It wasn’t. It was a wake-up call for the way I had been treating the Steps specifically and the program in general. I had worked the steps up to this point, but that had been as cathartic as a to-do list. Once again, I was making a list of things “to do.”

What my sponsor was trying to get through my head was that our actions have consequences, some long after the event. Some behavior of mine, some errant attitude, some defect of character reached out and hurt another person. The only way to resolve this was easy. Change everything about myself.

I had to realize that this process was to help me recognize and stop this behavior… forever. If I wasn’t ready to do that, then why make amends? You see, the stakes were much higher than going around saying, “I’m sorry,” and having the world say, “That’s okay.” I had to be ready to stop the behavior and never do it again.

How precise did you get with the term “harmed?”

Well, I harmed others in a variety of ways. Mostly, I harmed people by my self-centered, fearful, alcoholic behavior. I stole money, but I also stole emotions and well-intentioned assistance from those who tried to care about me. I was untrustworthy, lying when it was easier to tell the truth, and I did damage to my own reputation as well as the reputation of those I represented.

I had no meaningful relationships because I had no idea how to do that. I didn’t understand the meaning of fidelity, intimacy, or selflessness, all of which were required for successful relationships. I was asked by the man who did my first Fifth Step to describe what I thought a friend was. After I gave him my description, he asked me, “Have you ever been that to someone?” The answer was “No.”

Did you have to make amends for harming yourself?

Absolutely not. This process isn’t about “poor little me.” This is a chance to finally get right with the world. Under the cover of my defects of character, I went out and willfully harmed other people with my behavior. My very presence, with its self-centered, childish attitude, created difficulties for others.

Nowhere in this process is there a place to stop and reflect on how my behavior harmed me. It’s my overwhelming self-centeredness that created most of the chaos. It would be the absolute cherry on the absurdity cake for me to take time out to think about how my behavior hurt me. That it clearly did is beside the point. This step is fully about others and not about me.

What advice would you give yourself now when starting this step? 

Be prepared, and don’t do it alone. Putting together this list can be daunting but I can’t imagine what it would be like without the watchful eyes of another sober person.

Put down everybody and everything. If you are becoming entirely ready to make amends to them all, make sure they are all on the list. There isn’t anyone or anything too small or insignificant. There isn’t anyone or anything you can fill in later if there is time.

This is where the idea of thoroughness really takes root. Be as thorough as possible the first time around, or eight years later, you’ll be back at this same place, only your ass will have fallen off, and you’ll need two sets of suspenders to keep your pants up.

Step 9:

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Who did you make amends with and what did you do?

I got sober in Chicago and then, shortly after that, moved to Los Angeles. I didn’t start to work on this step until I was nearly three years sober. My sponsor helped me. In order to start this step, I had to return home. I hadn’t lived there that long in the scheme of things, but that was the hub of most of my damage to other people.

I made travel arrangements back to Chicago and made appointments with all those I could reach. Most of the people were those with whom I worked. There were also roommates and acquaintances from my theater work. All this is why I fervently suggest a person not try doing this step by themselves. There’s just too much that can go wrong.

I should note that not everyone I contacted was willing to see me. Even after three years, several of my former work associates had written me off and weren’t interested in having anything more to do with me. Needless to say, this was disappointing on one hand but a relief on the other. That is until my sponsor told me to keep reaching out to them. That worked, and after a little persistence, they all agreed to see me.

Importantly, I had the opportunity to make direct amends to those I had harmed. Only one of the people I met on that trip was less than gracious. But as my sponsor repeated to me often about many things, “You take the steps, the outcome is out of your hands.”

What’s the difference between being willing to make amends on paper and looking into the face of the person you harmed?

The real purpose of the amend is to let the other person know what wrong or harm you committed and ask them what you can do to make that right. This is a bit more than saying you’re sorry and more than a little disconcerting to think about. I don’t know how this can be done any other way but face-to-face.

As I had never done anything like this before other than a weak “sorry” to someone, I was most concerned about asking what I could do to make it right. Like everything else in this step, my projection of it was bigger and more awful than the truth. With only one exception, everyone was receptive and glad to see I was doing well. They were, in fact, happy to see me. That hadn’t been the way it was when I left.

From there, I was eager to continue making these direct amends wherever possible. It got easier and easier to do, but harder and harder to do directly. This step is never really completely finished. The longer I stay sober, the truer this becomes.

How is making amends more than words?

Every September, Step Studies discuss Step Nine. For years, when revisiting this step, I would recall someone from my past who I had left off my list. Someone who deserved an amend from me.

There was only a couple I couldn’t find and reach out to. The social media age started to make finding people a lot easier. I was always amazed at how happy people were to hear from me. The would remember me fondly as opposed to darkly and they were always willing to listen to me and the reason for my call.

This may be the most profound aspect of Step Nine. It goes on for years because our recovery – if we want it – goes on for years. We will never know how what we say or do may impact other people. This is why we must be ever diligent in our words and deeds. Going back and correcting what was wrong is the right thing to do and may have great impact on what others may do going forward. It’s powerful stuff.

Step 6:

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

What does “entirely ready” feel like?

It feels a lot like letting go once a person has “admitted” the “exact nature” of their “wrongs,” they will have a list of character defects. This isn’t generally a long list, but it is quite inclusive. I’ve heard people trying to make themselves special and unique with an abundance of “specialized” character defects. “I have the defect of criticizing other people.” “That’s because you’re afraid of other people and are criticizing them before they criticize you. Your defect is fear.” “My defect is that I help everybody but myself.” “You want everybody’s attention and approval, and you’re afraid you won’t get it if you don’t help. Your defects are self-centeredness and fear.” And so it goes.

Is Step 6 a waiting game or a tease?

Truthfully, there shouldn’t be much waiting involved. Six is really an opportunity to see if we got it all. Were we thorough enough with our Fourth and Fifth Steps? Did we cover all aspects suggested? Just before this step in the Big Book is where the “first set of promises” are articulated. It starts out: “We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past.” (pg. 75) You’ll notice it doesn’t say anything about the nice things we did. We are going to be dealing exclusively with our defects of character. We need to know that we are “entirely” ready and that we are going to remove “all” the defects. I can tell you that generally, people are either all in or, eventually, they are out.

Why is Step 6 important – why aren’t Steps 6 & 7 combined?

It’s important because if we have done 4 and 5 thoroughly, we have fully revealed those things that drive us. They inform everything we think and everything we do. I need to figure out what they are and what I can replace them with — their alternative. This process can take some time because I don’t want to rush into anything. Step Six is designed to give us time to consider the importance of making this commitment. We must be “entirely” willing to have “all” our defects removed before we move on to the next step.

 Is this an excuse to disown your defects?

Well, good luck with that. Our defects are our defects. Even though the next step suggests that we can get rid of these, they don’t fully go away. They stay out of sight until I decide I don’t need to continue

Step 7:

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Does God remove all the defects in step 7?

We “humbly” ask God to remove our shortcoming or defects of character. Whether He removes them or not I can’t say. I know that mine haven’t been removed. I don’t go to a meeting for a week and some semblance of my character defects come ambling back into my life and I will act out on those defects in all my daily affairs.

How do you feel about the ones that remain?

I’ve either got to recognize them and keep them from “poking” other people, which is what my defects generally do, or figure out what to replace them with. I think ongoing recovery is about opposites and subtraction. I subtract the things in my life that block me from God and others and then whatever is left is mine to manage. My defects are at my core, what the Big Book calls “the root of our troubles.” Well, I can’t very well pull out something that’s root without doing some serious damage, so the only alternative is to do the opposite. Where I am fearful, I can be courageous. Where I am dishonest I can become trustworthy. Where I am selfish, I can become selfless. It is only in this way that my defects of character are removed from my daily life. I don’t believe they are ever removed from my core.

Did you have familiar behaviors that you didn’t know how to live without?

Still do. That’s why I continue to go to meetings, participate in the fellowship and do the steps.

Question for viewer:

My car blew up this week (replace-the-engine blew up). And I’m on the final countdown to opening a show in my local community theater. I’m a little late with this as a result, but a few extra hours are worth it.

I’ve combined two steps because of their closeness in content and spirit.

Step 4:

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

What is a moral inventory?

Moral, in this case, means “truth.” A common misinterpretation of this Step is in the word moral. I won’t suggest that people misinterpret the word, but over time, they have misinterpreted the meaning.

Old-timers will tell you that everything you need to do this step is in the book. I can tell you from personal experience that this is only true after you do the Step. Before that, not so much.

The “inventory” is, as described in Alcoholics Anonymous, an attempt to identify a person’s assets and liabilities. The next purpose is to determine what to keep and what to discard. The third, although unwritten, is to discover those things about yourself that you are going to talk about in your Fifth Step – the defects of character.

How this is accomplished has a wide range of explanations and details. There are probably more resources available for the completion of this step than with the other eleven steps combined. However, the instructions and ponderous guides on “how to do the step” are not the step. It should also be noted that years of Fourth Step preparation have led to the writing of many “immoral” inventories. This is the list of all the dirty, rotten things they have done and should feel sorry about.

The simple objective of the Fourth Step is to finally take an action that will allow you to discover those things about yourself that are blocking you from God and other people. The step following this one covers what you will do with those things you’ve discovered.

Doesn’t this just help you beat yourself up?

Beating myself up is a choice. I don’t think any of the steps either condone or reject that notion. If looking closely at all the things I have thought, done, or believed and making the decision that some of these things are wrong and need to change is “beating myself up,” then so be it.

Over the years I have watched the interaction of people in recovery ranging from sternly confronting to cluelessly warm and fuzzy. I believe all approaches work if they are based in a sincere desire to help. I also believe the 12-Steps aren’t for everyone. They are, however, for anyone who wants them and are willing to go to any lengths to get them.

That includes beating yourself up if that’s how you want transfigurative self-discovery to be described. This process will change you and there will be scars.

Step 5:

Step 5:

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

How did you choose the person to admit wrongs to?

This does seem to pose a quandary sometimes because the completion of the 4th and 5th step have become somewhat systematized through treatment and published “self-help” manuals. The important thing about the 5th step is to share it with someone who won’t misunderstand. Some say that it should be done with a person’s sponsor. Others use the idea in the Big Book of a priest or other ordained figure. (The word “sponsor” was not widely used or have the same definition as is does today when the book was published). This is rarely as daunting as it may appear. A person who has made the effort to complete the 4th step is usually quite eager to complete a 5th step as well. The bottom line is there are plenty of people available to “hear” a fifth step and it just comes down to who you might be comfortable sharing your “life story.”

Can you describe admitting the exact nature of your wrongs to them?

First you have to be clear about the definition of “wrongs.” These are really the defects of character that a person has been able to disclose (uncover) while writing the 4th step. The end result of working this step must be a final accounting of those things that are blocking us from God and from others. It’s important to note that we are to admit these in a three-way conversation – we hear them, another person hears them and God hears them. This process is pretty thorough in practice and in informing the person taking the step of their defects of character. This understanding becomes the foundation from which a person’s recovery can move forward. 

Did you dwell to much on steps 4 and 5? 

At the time I did my first 4th and 5th step I spent a great deal of time on them. In fact, because the book (as well as anybody I spoke to) said that it was important to be thorough or I might start drinking again. So I spent a lot of time digging up every dirty rotten thing I had ever done. I truly missed the reason for these steps.

Although this is technically the last time we get to be totally selfish and make what we are doing “all about us,” I don’t adhere to the belief that we need to make a list of our “good things.” To me, this is just another form of self-aggrandizement. This is a way for me to soften the blow. Frankly, I’ve yet to meet anyone who was “warm-fuzzied” into recovery. I think this whole process is a long, hard look at what I am doing – just me – to keep God and others away. Focusing on my “positives” at this point is just a distraction like all the kids who play soccer get a medal. I have serious work ahead of me and will need all the attention I can muster.

Did you not take them seriously enough?

I did. Others may not. I overcompensated, but then doing things to excess has never been a problem. I do that all the time.

Question for viewer:

I think Step 3 remains one of the most confusing steps. Maybe that’s just the standard response to things we don’t like, “I don’t understand.” I do know that I struggled with this step the most, especially after I’d stumbled through the steps after this one.

Step 3:

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Where did you find your higher power?

Right where is was supposed to be. Like many of the things I’ve struggled finding in life, this was hiding in plain sight.

I had a perfunctory relationship with God as I was growing up. When I reached this point in my life, I didn’t even know what I was trying to understand. During my early days, listening to others struggling with this concept, I determined to find a different way.

I discovered in the Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous (the book Ken D. refers to as the ‘open secret’) a chapter called “We Agnostics.” I also noticed it was Chapter Four. My keen alcoholic mind got to work on the idea that the meetings always started with a reading from Chapter Five.  It seemed like there was something in Chapter Four they didn’t want us to know about.

Suddenly, the reason became obvious. “We Agnostics” was the chapter that explained how smart people could get sober without God. That became my chapter. I read it over and over but I kept missing the part where smart people get sober without God. Finally, I was so frustrated I decided to talk to my sponsor. I explained my understanding of Chapter Four, but couldn’t seem to find exactly where the instructions were.

My sponsor took my book, popped it open to the very chapter I was discussing and with his rather large index finger pointed to something in the book.

“Read that… out loud,” he said.

I took the book and proceeded to read the following… out loud.

If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic. If that be the case, you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer.

Alcoholics Anonymous, Pg, 44

There is was. Hiding all this time at the bottom of the first paragraph of Chapter Four. I had been seduced by the chapter title. This was unfair.

I blurted out, “But I can’t do that.”

“Well, then you’re screwed,” said my sponsor calmly. I knew he meant it.

“What do I do?” I asked.

“Change your mind,” was his simple response.

Anecdotally, more people are stopped by this step than the other eleven combined. I won’t speculate on why that might be true. I can only share why I’ve continued to stub my toe on this step. More importantly, why this step keeps coming up in my recovery.

Problem One: Is this an action or is it just information?

The Big Book is vague about this. The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions is more clear calling this step an action. In fact, it says:

Like all the remaining Steps, Step Three calls for affirmative action, for it is only by action that we can cut away the self-will which has always blocked the entry of God — or, if you like, a Higher Power — into our lives.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg. 34

Either way, this step seems to stymie the new person and as a result, the person who can’t seem to get past this step. One thing that may be consistent with the person who struggles with this step is that they have delayed getting a sponsor with the mistaken belief they can work these steps themselves like a fad-diet or weight-training program. Or they have a sponsor, but have avoided working with that sponsor to move forward with the process of change that is required.

Problem Two: Once I take Step Three can I move on?

Not exactly, as it turns out. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a prayer.

God, I offer myself to Thee–to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always!

Alcoholics Anonymous Pg. 63

Unlike most prayers, this one ends with an exclamation point and not “Amen.” There isn’t an Amen until after the Seventh Step prayer on page 76. It’s certainly something to ponder. It turns out that the implications of Step Three are greater and more ongoing than I would have imagined.

Regardless of what else happens or how long it takes the individual to decide to move forward with these steps, the importance of Step Three is articulated well in the 12 and 12 thusly:

Then it is explained that other Steps of the A.A. program can be practiced with success only when Step Three is given a determined and persistent trial.

Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, Pg. 40

On the following page, the Serenity Prayer is introduced as one of the ways to “begin the practice of Step Three.”

How can you turn your life over if you’ve been hurt by faith or others?

This could be categorized as “Problem Three.” This always seems like the kind of negotiation that goes on in early recovery. There used to be an old joke about people who were put off by the “God thing” in AA. God would drive them away but the whiskey would bring them back.

In 12-Step recovery this is the solution we have. This is the solution we offer and as the book continues to say,  if you are an alcoholic of “our type” then this is a program we recommend. To be quibbling over the idea of “God” or a former lousy relationship with religion is serious business but for the alcoholic and/or addict looking for a way around it is like changing deck chairs on the Titanic. You eventually need to come to a reasonable understanding of a higher power. There are no parts of the 12-Steps that contain an optional component.